Did you ever know any Shifu that made "house calls"? I DIDN'T EITHER! But, believe me, if you're reading this and you don't have a Shifu who makes house calls, GET ONE...RIGHT AWAY! I'm still in the hospital (7 days now), and visitors have been sparse, but that is as I like it because I must keep my exposure to the germs of the living at a minimum, and I am very tired. Last night Sarah e-mailed me that they were considering visiting me today.
I, of course in typical Tamra style, tried to disuade her on the basis of "germ exposure", etc. It worked on my other good Shaolin friend who had wanted to come to see me, but not on Sarah, because she is a nurse and she knows what is possible and what is not; what is said and what is meant (and she was right). No, she and Shifu were coming and that was all there was to it. She called me around 2:00pm and said they were leaving the school and would be there within the hour. I began to perspire???? Why, what was this about? Now I know that steroids "whack me out" (Physician Assistant official terminology), but why would a visit from two people I adore make me so anxious?
It gave me great food for thought as the nurse walked in to tell me that "Transport" was on their way to take me downstairs for a CT of my throat. HORRORS! They were going to arrive and I wasn't going to be there! OH MY GOD! And I didn't have Sarah's number, and....and...and (steroidal manic panic)! Then, as is always the case in circumstances like this, fate intervened in the form of a wonderful, handsome young man named Jason from "Transport". No time to figure it out or "sweat" it; had to go. Normally I would not stray from the theme of this post, a house call from Shifu, but I feel I have to because nothing happens by accident and my short time with Jason proved to be no exception.
Every so often special people are placed in our path at just the right time for any number of reasons, all of which are extremely important. Sometimes, we are the special person placed in theirs. Perhaps it for the spiritual benefit of both? Regardless of the order, the meaning, or the intent, the value of the experience is etched into our mind for life. That person is recorded on our soul. Jason is one of those people for me.
My trip to the CT machine was anything but ordinary, as he entertained me with a humorous schtick from the moment he came into my room to the moment he returned me, still making me laugh til it hurt. The entire approximately 4 minutes it took to get down to the CT lab he delivered a continuous diatribe of hospital oriented "TOUR" shpeal in a perfect monotone that he later likened to the comedy style of Steven Wright and was spot on in the comparison. He was SO funny that when we arrived at the lab I told him he had missed his true calling and needed to be in professional comedy. He already had his routine. It was PERFECT just as it was.
He proceded to tell me that one time he was transporting a guy who just sat there the whole way and didn't say a word; not even a giggle. When he arrived at his destination the guy stared him in the face very seriously, reached into his pocket and handed Jason his card. He OWNED "The Punch Line" comedy club. He wanted Jason to come in and perform. Jason went on to tell me that before that experience another guy he transported just chuckled all along the way and when he arrived at his destination he handed Jason his card and he owned the "Country Bar" (or Tavern) - "The Punch Line" BEFORE it was "The Punch Line"! Then I found myself in the CT machine, thinking that if Jason had "transported" me before today I literally would have died gasping for air while trying to laugh!
My photo op was over before I could figure out whether or not I had brushed my teeth or not this morning, and I was loaded into my chariot and left in the hall. Now Jason had warned me about this. He told me to pay attention to what words the tech used when they "deposited" you in the hall..."transport will be here in a minute" or the to be feared, even dreaded "transport will be here in just a m o m e n t". A minute, he had explained was anywhere from 50 seconds to well, let's just say, something well over 60 seconds. A m o m e n t was an open ended invitation to limbo and there was nothing you could do about it cuz it's the hospital.
So I says to the tech who "deposited" me in the hallway, I says, "I request Jason, please." He laughed, as did the nurse parked in a chair about 25 feet up the hallway (a surgical recovery area). She said, "Oh, he was just here; I was just talking to him." I called out, "JASON!!! COME AN GET ME!" and he says from somewhere around the dim dark corner, "In a m o m e n t maam!" I nearly peed myself! But this story is not over yet.
Jason did transport me to my room, and it was time for a serious conversation about this young man's future (courtesy of Mrs. I'm 53 So You Gotta Listen To Me!). I told Jason that I believe that when something special like that happens (the two dudes with the business cards from what became the same comedy club...did I say that right?) it's not an accident or coincidence. It's telling you something. One such occurrence is a nudge. TWO are a PUSH. I was the third...the SHOVE! "You HAVE to do something with that talent Jason! You are incredible! Everyone will love you!
So then I got Jason's story. This is where I knew Jason was put there for me. 1 day after his 18th birthday (probably 10 years ago or so) Jason was hit by a semi-truck and was turned into "Humpty Dumpty, and had to be put back together again" (literally). The scars on his face were visible from the start, but he was so radiant that my mind didn't stare or focus on them other than recording that it looked like his face had been literally peeled back from the top of his skull down to his ears where dual vertical scars thwarted all hair growth. His personality and humor probably evolved as a means of demonstrating that he was so much more than an altered body.
He spent 9 months in the ICU and was reassembled from head to toe, skeletally and organ-wise. He relearned everything and thought he had "made it" until the day he played the game he loved, tennis, and had a seizure...a bad one. Yes, besides the scars Jason was left with a serious seizure disorder for which he must take medication daily. If you know anything about seizure disorders you know that conrolling them isn't as much of a science as an art. Jason knows what he can and cannot take on stress wise, and when. He knows his limits, but doesn't put them on himself. He listens carefully to his body for subtle clues that things are going astray.
Oh yes, he did call the man who owned "The Punch Line". He did talk about auditioning and what it would mean if he earned a spot on the famous stage. But he also talked to himself and, obviously, that discussion went something like this, "WHY? What's wrong with this?"
Jason had to find a job that he could do within his limitations. He CHOSE to work at the hospital because he has seen so much of it from the patient perspective that he knew he had something he could give, and he does, every day, richly, selflessly. For the past 18 years, and God willing, for the next, Jason will enrich the lives of patients like me who are moving from one scarey part of the hospital to another, and not only will he make us forget for a moment where we are and why, he will bring us great joy in the midst of a crisis! THAT IS WHERE HIS GIFT WAS MEANT TO BE SPENT! I am ever so grateful that Jason was put in my path today and I don't believe it's ever a coincidence.
NOW, back to my "house-calling Shifu"... I got back to my room and there he was! I had a SHIFU, a real, non-hollywoody, SHAOLIN MONK in my room! If any of my fellow phlgem monsters on my floor knew what a Shaolin monk was, well...they would have been impressed and would have wanted one too! Sarah and Shifu were there waiting for me. I was so happy to see them and even more so because of the state of joy I was in from my experience with Jason. For the first time ever in the presence of my great Shifu, I felt like my energy was radiating exponentially.
Is it appropriate to hug a Shifu? Well, I did. Hugging is just what I do when I am so touched that I don't know how else to express it. I was just as delighted to see Sarah as I know that she is his right hand and coordinates all these kinds of activities for this very busy man and herself. She brought me fun things to do (she really gets me), talked with me on a medically intellectually level, and made sure that they stayed just the right amount of time. With such great visitors, I didn't need to play host. That's what all the sweating was about...the incessant need to people please, even when I am deathly ill. That they both took the time to come all this way to see me in the hospital still makes me cry.
I talked a lot about what I want to accomplish when they let me out of my crate (room 631 at St. Joe's). My sites are set high. I want to learn Tai Chi techniques that will help me control the manic phase of steroid withdrawal I always go through while tapering the oral dose over several months. I have come to fear and dread it. I want to find a way to sleep and be rested; to not obsessively crave food all night long, and have to indulge each craving to the point of near explosion or feel like I will die; to be able to sit still without whole body tremors that seem to radiate outward from my spine, and come in waves so hard that they make my voice shake, and I want to, if even for brief periods of time, find a way to quell the constant feeling that the sky is falling. I want to be able to just sit; to be still; to quiet my mind. I can't imagine the relief any measure of control would bring, but I'm determined to find out, and maximize my potential WHILE living within my limits. Jason taught me that. I can never thank him enough!
PS: I'M SERIOUS ABOUT YOU GETTING YOURSELF A SHIFU THAT MAKES HOUSE CALLS! THAT IS WHAT HE SAID HE WOULD DO AS SOON AS I GET HOME...HE'S COMING TO MY HOUSE. OH MY GOD, I'M SWEATING ALREADY!
Friday, September 21, 2012
Monday, September 17, 2012
DIARY OF A MAD WOMAN ON THE PATH TO ENLIGHTENMENT 091712
CHAPTER 27: What Happened?
September 15th, 2012
No Chi treatment with Shifu after all. Hoisted the white flag and surrendered to the
hospital 09/14/12, with great self-disappointment.
CHAPTER 28: A Leap of Faith
September 17th, 2012
What happened, you
may be asking? I’m still not sure
myself. All I know is that I seem to
have traded my third chi treatment with Shifu for a whole lotta pain the AMA
approved, old fashioned, traditional medicine way” otherwise known as “conventional
Western medicine”. I’ve been giving this
subject a lot of consideration
since my last chi treatment with Shifu; perhaps because of the conversation we
had afterwards.
He sat me down and
told me several stories of miraculous healings facilitated by his chi
treatments. These were not “made up” or “imagined”; no, they were very visible
and substantial miracles that saved or prolonged life and were well outside the
expectations of contemporary Western medicine. In the course of our
conversation I sensed his frustration that patients who are critically ill only
come to him for help when Western medicine says it can do no more. By that time, the clock is ticking, and there
isn’t time for a “learning curve”. Shifu
gives off an energy that even the most ‘un-savy’ of chi-ers (namely me) can actually
feel. I could feel his sadness when he talked of
these patients, perhaps even alluding to me.
(I am forever taken aback by the Grand Canyon sized communication gap
between my Western mind-set and Shifu’s Eastern translations.)
I sensed (this is by no means what he said) that he
was telling me to stop all the medicines, and put my faith and trust in the body’s
natural ability to heal itself via the stimulation and manipulation of “chi”. Now mind you, as we were speaking I was still
feeling the tremendous effects of the chi treatment he had just given me. I was finally relaxed and not anxious about
working for every breath, enough so that all I wanted to do was sleep. I was in
positive spirits even though I was still deathly ill. I breathed easier than when I had wheezed my
way into the studio an hour before, and feeling all of this even though my
throat and bronchial tubes were still being strangled by ligament spasms that
inevitably took my voice away. Take a moment, won’t you, and think about what
you would do if you were me. Go ahead, “DIARY”
will wait!
If you are up to date
with “DIARY” you are already familiar with the enormity of my health
conditions; if not, allow me to summarize what I really am considering when I “make
the leap”, and step outside the realm of “Western” and into the realm of “TCM”
(Traditional Eastern Medicine which Shifu has a degree in).
·
I have no adrenal function so my body
does not produce the approximate 7mg of cortisone daily that it absolutely must
have to function at the cellular level. Adrenal
Insufficiency is a horrible thing to endure (I’ve been there several times). Adrenal Crisis is almost always fatal. I am fortunate enough to have survived one “Adrenal
Crisis” in 1996, but it nearly killed me, and I came through it significantly
worse for the wear.
·
Three weeks into a serious asthma
crisis, there is so much swelling in the bronchus and bronchial trees that air cannot get through to inflate the lungs,
and if by chance it does, it cannot easily escape (respire) again resulting in rapidly
rising carbon dioxide levels in the bloodstream and death by poisoning.
·
I am on an enormous amount (unheard of
in the endocrine community) of insulin daily to keep my blood sugars under
control because 21 years of steroid dependence comes with a whole TON of “insulin resistance”.
·
When I get down to my daily “maintenance
dose” of Prednisone, I am often crippled from the pain of the severe osteoarthritis
in my spine and in my joints, which is a function of my disease NOT corticosteroids. By crippled, I
mean barely able to get out of bed and when I do, unable to function beyond my
own self-care.
Some of you might be thinking, “She’s an idiot for even considering it!” Others of you might be cheering, “Do it; do it; here, I’ll push you!” And somewhere out there are a handful of people who have faced catastrophic health issues who know exactly what I am talking about, because you have been there too. No matter where you stand on this matter, I can only listen to me, to that little whispering voice inside that I know is always right, which I now call the voice of “chi”. So “Chi”, I’m listening.
PS: If you are
interested, I have started a blog journaling my often comic experiences and giant
epiphany’s that can only occur in the hospital setting. The blog is also on Google Blogger and can be
accessed by typing TamrasWard@blogspot.com
into the Google+ or Chrome search engine bar.
As much as possible, these will be daily “funnies” about my hospital
stay and my subsequent recovery, because everyone knows that when you are sick
or in the hospital you can always find something to cry about. It is finding
the things you can laugh about that sustains you through it. Thanks for reading, and as always, Be Well!
Thursday, September 13, 2012
DIARY OF A MAD WOMAN 09/13/12 POST
CHAPTER 26:
What if?
September
13th 2012
I
just got home from my second Chi treatment with Shifu. I am having a bad time with my asthma even
with all the Prednisone and steroidal inhalants over the past several days and
I have begun the cold clammy sweating that goes along with poor oxygen
saturation and the bodies effort to remedy it.
I was ready for some help.
The
school was quiet. Shifu and I went into
the studio and I told him about the difficulty I have been having quieting my
mind in the meditation. With all the
albuterol and the Prednisone comes this manic state of mind; my mind races 24/7
and I have a hard time staying focused on what I wanted to do next. My body is shaking from all the
bronchodilators, my blood pressure is high, and my resting heart rate is never
below 91. In short, I’m wound like a spring, but I still can’t breathe.
He clearly understood all that was happening medically and physiology (Shifu has a doctorate in medicine) and explained to me that the inability to quiet the mind is a double edged sword. The noise means the mind is trying to deal with life and the chaos taking place within the body. But being unable to control the noise enough to calm the mind and allow the channels to open to the healing energy is problematic. So today, the entire chi treatment focused on maintaining control over my breathing.
For
most this is a relatively easy thing to do.
You just close your eyes and listen to Shifu’s instructions; when to
breathe in, when to breathe out; coordinated with slow movement of the body
when he instructs so. As an asthmatic in
crisis, I felt like a fish on dry land.
My gills were pumping, my blowers were blowing, my flippers were
flipping, my diaphragm was straining to clear the trapped air from my lungs,
and all the while I was hearing Shifu say, “relax your mind; relax your chest;
breathe in deeply…”. I don’t know how
long we chi’d, I just know that 2/3rds of the way into the treatment, I felt
those spasmed ligaments that line the trachea and bronchus relax. It happened like a breeze of wind followed by
breaths that were all at once restorative and unlabored. What an incredible feeling to experience in
the midst of a bad, prolonged crisis.
As
I drove home I wondered - what would my life be like today if I had responded
to my “adult on-set asthma diagnosis” at age 19 proactively rather than reactively?
Where would I be now if I had sought non-traditional therapy’s, learned
meditation and relaxation techniques early on, and achieved mastery of the
anxiety that is habitual with chronic breathing problems; what if? Why does my Western mind reflexively view
these alternatives as the option of last resort, so much so that it has taken
me 34 years to get to Shaolin? And
again, what if?
Monday, September 10, 2012
DIARY OF A MAD WOMAN ON THE PATH TO ENLIGHTENMENT 091012
CHAPTER 25: By Jove I Finally Got It!
September 10th, 2012
I
was crawling into bed last night having just completed my second performance of
the day of Tai Gong (this one while sitting down next to my bed), when it hit
me like like an ACME safe falling on Wiley Coyte… It’s not about the artistry! All this time I’ve been focusing on how and
where to move my body parts in an effort to be graceful and fluid because I
admired that in others. The truth is, the
ballerina will always be more hypnotic to watch than a weight lifter, but that doesn’t
diminish the effect of Tai Chi on either of them.
I
tend to be a little slower than the average coyote about things like this
because my Western mind is preconditioned to look for and judge beauty. Now, before you say “tsk, tsk..” think about
the amount of time you spend before the mirror every day applying the wrinkle
creams, the make-up, the facial masks, and the like. Why do you do it; I would propose it’s because
you too have some pre-conditioning when it comes to the value and advantages of
“beauty”. We say things like “true beauty comes from within”; “your beauty
radiates from within” and “you are beautiful where it counts”, but at the end
of the day we all know what it means when the matchmaker says, “well, they have
a nice personality”. And, that’s not
where we want to be.
Today
I went to the school for a second Chi treatment, only to arrive and find out
that Shifu was sick. Shifu cannot get
sick! Bugs just don’t stick to a Shifu
like they do to the rest of us; do they? Who does Shifu go to when he does get
sick? And if it’s ferocious enough a bug
that it took out Shifu, what will it do to me?
All these thoughts went racing through my mind as I considered what to
do next. So, having arrived at no
answers, I went into the Tai Chi studio (the room with all those intimidating mirrors),
and I put on my music, and I performed 25 minutes of Tai Gong. Even though I had my eyes closed the whole
time, I know it was beautiful…I felt it! You didn’t see it, Shifu, but trust me, I made
you proud! You know why? Because it was never, for one single second,
about the artistry. It was all about
feeling and channeling my chi.
Saturday, September 8, 2012
DIARY OF A MAD WOMAN ON THE PATH TO ENLIGHTENMENT THRU 090812
CHAPTER 23: 14 Days…Tai
Chi Withdrawal Is Setting In!
September
1st, 2012
I
am now under the care of my Pulmonologist, nearly always the admitting doctor
for me, who has taken a very aggressive approach to treatment in order to try
to avoid hospitalization. I am on a
large, extended dose of Prednisone (5 weeks minimum), do nebulizer treatments
at least 2x/day (optimally three), and am still taking an antiviral,
antifungal, and now a new antibiotic. I
have a “swish & swallow” elixir that I must use 4x/day…and…and…and… As you can see, the intensity of this
treatment leaves little time to do anything else. BUT…I am practicing Tai Chi at home and it is doing something positive
for me.
As
more and more bugs come on, one never clearing before the next, it is easy to
feel beaten and get depressed. And even
though I have done this hundreds of times before, it is natural to get anxious
about the outcome. The cycles are becoming longer, the bugs more resistant, the
disease; following the natural course of progression. For some reason this time,
I am more anxious than ever
before. Perhaps it is because my mind
and body are communicating more easily? I can tell you my mind knew long before
I allowed myself to acknowledge that I was seriously ill, that I was trending
downward. The anxiousness has been there
in the background for the past three weeks, increasing ever so slightly by the
day. I usually do not experience this
until a day or two before I am admitted to the hospital. In the past “anxiousness” has been my body’s
final scream when I have hit the wall and met with exhaustion. It always ends
in hospitalization.
So
what is Tai Chi doing for me? First, I
credit Tai Chi with having facilitated mind body communication enough (to this
point) that “anxiousness” is now a signal, not a last reaction to an already
irreversible health disaster. When I am
engaged in a health crisis, every
signal is critical to early intervention and treatment. I have several of them, whose details I won’t
go into, that unfold in a certain, predictable pattern that alert me to
“something going on” and its progression.
Responding to these signals by slowing down, beginning nebulizer
treatments, eating healthy, sleeping more, checking blood sugars more
frequently and tightening control over highs, are what I should do immediately, not
what I do do.
I
usually go through periods of 1) acknowledgement “something’s going on”, 2) a
heightened sense of “the sky is falling” mentality, 3) reacting to the fear
that I am “going down again” by doing the exact opposite of the things I should do in the face of those
signals. Is it anger? Is it a mindset that, ‘death be damned, I’m
going to get every ounce of my life while I’m here?’ Or is it a conditioned survival reaction to
my primal fear of being dependent on anyone else? Perhaps it’s a little of all. That being said, don’t be too quick to judge
me.
You
see, I am no different than any of you.
These things I should do are
inconvenient. They interfere with the
life I want to live, and the time
frame in which I can do it. They “slow
me down” considerably, and it has become a habit of mine to put up my dukes and
fight hard every day to keep going regardless of the mountains that drop from
the heavens. As I said before, I walk a
tightrope every day, as all of us do to some extent, and sometimes I just want
to throw down the umbrella and “be like everybody else.” Healthy people can afford to do that, even
though it isn’t the smartest response for anybody. The consequence might be one
or two days knocked into bed because a germ got a hold. I can’t afford to do that because once a germ
gets a hold of me, it has me in its scope, aiming for the most lethal, direct
path to anarchy; to dictatorship.
My
family yells at me for doing too much at these times. People offer sage advice,
words of wisdom I know are true and that
I should adhere to. But always in the
background during these crises is a whopping high dose of Prednisone for
lengthy weeks, sometimes months, at a time that drives me to do just the
opposite. Did you know that one of the side effects of “long term” Prednisone
therapy is manic behavior, even psychosis?
It’s true. Another is OCD
(Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder). Have
you ever been in the presence of someone where these conditions were operating
in tandem? Trust me, you wouldn’t want to be; I assure you it is not pretty.
For
some reason, unknown to my medical team, my body does not (never has)
synthesized Prednisone (a man-made form of the body’s natural hormone,
cortisone) appropriately. A normal body
produces 7mg of cortisone daily on a non-stressful, average day. 7mg is needed
just to survive. More is produced by the
adrenal glands exactly as needed (when injured, sick, stressed, etc.). Lots of cortisone floods the body in an
emergency triggered by the “fight or flight response” (an auto accident, the
death of a loved one, even divorce). My adrenal glands do not function any
more, having atrophied from 21 years of constant steroid dependent asthma. So
every bit of cortisone my body needs is delivered in the form of Prednisone (a
synthetic hormone made to mimic the effects of the body’s naturally produced
cortisone).
If you’ve ever seen a
drug addict going through withdrawal in an effort to “get clean” you have a
pretty good picture of what I go through when my Prednisone taper hits about
25-30mg a day. I have tremors, sweats,
manic anxiousness, my pupils dilate, and I want to crawl out of my own skin, I
can’t and don’t sleep for days at a time, I eat everything in the house any
time of day or night. I try to fight it,
but Prednisone wires me so badly that I literally can’t sit still. I sweat out
of my clothing at least 3x/day resulting in a weight loss of up to 20lbs over
3-4 months of tapering (partly a function of the significant increase in heart
rate for the duration of therapy). I am
short tempered, ill-mannered with my family, and become obsessive about (of all
things) the cleanliness of my house.
That withdrawal fades
very slowly as the Prednisone dose drops (never tapering more than 5-10mg/week),
but the symptoms never disappear completely until I am on 5mg or less (25mg of
Hydrocortisone is my maintenance steroid dose).
And all of this combines with pounding fast heart rate, constant
shortness of breath and wheezing such that I cannot leave my home for weeks,
sometimes months at a time.
A
year ago, watching me go through this, my doctors got together and decided to
try something different. I was
prescribed non-narcotic medications whose sole purpose is to relax you; to take
the “edge” off, like Valium. I don’t
know exactly whose idea that was, but they are on my list of superhero’s in the
medical community. It works! I don’t become addicted though others might,
because apparently I don’t have that addiction gene (my refrigerator would beg
to differ). I don’t have to take much to
be able to re-enter society without being trussed like “Hannibal Lechter”. Most importantly, it curbs the incessant
aching to crawl out of my skin.
I
tell you all this so that you will clearly understand what Tai Chi means to me.
I’m sure you’d agree how critical it is for someone with this profile to learn to relax; to learn to control
relaxation as well as I don’t control
my panic – in other words, to restore order and peace to a system previously in
free-fall. Several times over the course
of this illness cycle I have found myself winding up like a spring driven toy.
But wherever I was, I closed my eyes, took deep controlled breaths, and performed
a couple basic Tai Chi/Gong movements.
In spite of the Prednisone dose, the anxiousness signal, the desire to
escape from my own skin, I relaxed. I relaxed so completely that I felt the
effect on my heart rate and even my blood pressure. The effects of doing that remained with me
for hours, and even drug interactions and stress exuding people around me did
not tempt me back into that panicky, conditioned behavior. To achieve all that,
how can mind and body not be
communicating? That is what Tai Chi is
doing for me.
Try
it!
CHAPTER 24: Confessions of a Mad Woman
September 8th, 2012
Last
night I went to the school to meet and greet a new prospective student who was
coming to participate in his first class of a two week trial of Kung Fu
Panda. I’ve had many telephone
conversations with his father, all leading up to getting him to take advantage
of this offer, because these are the kind of people who epitomize what Shaolin
is all about. I did not know that John
was Asian, but after meeting him, it made sense. Like most Asian parents I have met, he and
his wife are seriously engaged in their five year old son’s life. They are keenly aware of what he loves (animals,
bugs, and their movement), and have searched for unique ways to take advantage
of that love while creatively educating.
That is what led them to the idea of pursuing Kung Fu classes for their
son. When he told me that I realized
that the box he thinks within is so much bigger than the box I thought within
when my children were 5 years old.
Now,
I’ve never seen the Kung Fu Panda class or its students, as I am usually
attending Tai Chi in the morning or later, at 7:00pm. I was feeling very sick
and had to force myself to go because I had made this commitment and a promise
to a parent I want to see join the school.
I arrived half an hour early and had the joy of watching the arrival of the
six or more students who regularly attend Kung Fu Panda class at 5:00pm. I don’t often get that close to children 5 to
7 years old because of the limitations set by my autoimmune disease. Oh, how I
miss that exposure (not the germs mind you; but the experience of observing
them). Many of the children in the class
are Asian, but not all. Even with all
their unbridled energy in full view before class, they were incredibly
gracious, welcoming, and polite. My new
student couldn’t help but feel welcome because they went out of their way to
make him feel so. Sarah introduced me
and John to the other parents, all of whom stayed around in the viewing room to
watch their children’s class. One or two
fathers even attend the class with their children. I was told that even the mothers and sisters
of a few of the students sometimes attend, or attend an adult class in an
adjoining room. These families have
chosen to embrace the benefits of Shaolin martial arts wholly. I can’t imagine what a different developmental
environment that yields for their children.
It was obvious in how their children behaved and how they related to
adults like me. I asked a couple 5 year
old students if they would take my newbie under their wings and they
enthusiastically agreed, running into the classroom and telling the other kids
to come and meet the new guy with the enthusiasm of a child getting a new puppy.
Perhaps that is the
greatest benefit of Shaolin martial arts…there is no tolerance of that
behavior. At age five these kids are
being honored for who they are. They are
respected and are expected to demonstrate that respect in return. The fundamental lessons that we as parents
struggle to teach; respect, focus, discipline, honor; are all incorporated into
this program in a way that positively reinforces our efforts. Maybe, I’m bias, but I swear I perceived the
difference immediately. I love children,
but not all children love me. So when I
find a child or a group of children who I can relate to easily in a loving,
funny, light manner…I’m in Heaven! Every
one of these students was an angel to me.
They say that certain
encounters/interactions produce a positive effect on us that can be
scientifically measured in terms of reduced blood pressure, lowering our heart
rate, causing stress hormone secretions to drop, in essence, making our body
smile. That is what this experience did
for me. I really felt physically ill, I
hadn’t slept more than 4 hours in 3 days, I had a fever, but I was not cognizant
of these things while there interacting with the Kung FU students at the
school. They set me so at ease in fact,
that the usually stressful process for me of introducing myself to a crowd or
helping make another adult feel welcome, disappeared. No…correction, they never even surfaced. I went to
make a family feel welcome, and instead, families welcomed me. There is no greater medicinal therapy than finding
yourself in a place where there is no struggle to be “one of the group”. Those types of “pure” environments are created
when people have no ulterior motives; unfortunately I’ve found, none too often.
I don’t know if my
newbie will sign up at the end of his Kung Fu Panda trial. I certainly hope he will. I don’t earn anything from him doing so, yet
I would gain so much just knowing that because of my added efforts, one more
child will get an exceptional introduction to teamsmanship, sportsmanship, and
unconditional acceptance (not to mention the benefits derived from immersion in
the Asian mind-set).
So if you ever need a
pick-me-up, or your feel a sense of hopelessness, visit the school Monday,
Wednesday, or Friday around 5:00pm and just observe…and just be. You won’t be sorry that you did.
PS: Wear a germ mask!
Monday, September 3, 2012
2nd INSTALLMENT "DIARY OF A MAD WOMAN ON THE PATH TO ENLIGHTENMENT"
CHAPTER 16: Gutting
it out
August 3rd, 2012
I know I’ve said this
before, but for the benefit of non-chi’ers; Tai Gong is the healing form of Tai
Chi that my Shifu developed over the years specifically for healing. It focuses on opening up your chi and
channeling that energy to stimulate the autoimmune system. Every movement is centered on the slow,
coordinated manipulation of an invisible ball – a ball of universal
energy. It is very relaxing when
performed properly. Most of the movements
are simple, but there is a couple that I tripped over again and again. When both hands need to be moving
simultaneously, I’m in trouble. It’s as
if my brain can only process one move at a time…I’m linear. Being reminded that one or both hands should
always be holding the ball helped me, but I still managed to dribble it through
the transitions.
When class was over I
actually did feel better. Shifu said
that the mere act of moving and focusing on breathing was, in and of itself,
healing. Perhaps that is what made me
feel better. I am hopeful that Tai Chi
will enable me to keep going through illness.
We will see.
****
CHAPTER 17: I’m a Believer
August 9th, 2012
I have a progressive
autoimmune disease called IgG (Immunogammaglobulin) Deficiency also known as
Common Variable Immune Deficiency, and Hypogammaglobulinemia. It is in the same family as “the Bubble Boy”
disease (perhaps you are familiar with the movie “Bubble Boy” with Jake
Gyllenhaal) which pokes fun at the impossibility of living in a plastic
bubble?
IgG is produced in
the bone marrow, and is the primary protein and foundation of the autoimmune
system. It lines all of the internal
organs and is especially abundant in the sinuses, respiratory and digestive
tracts. It provides a protective barrier
that captures infectious cells before they can penetrate tissue thereby allowing
white blood cells to attack the germs. It
is also the mechanism that drug companies target when producing
antibiotics. Therapeutic drugs are
manufactured to molecularly bond to this protein, thereby releasing their payload
and poisoning the infectious cells before they can penetrate the tissue/blood
barrier.
My bone marrow does
not produce enough IgG, leaving me vulnerable to all sorts of infections and
prone to septic infections (infections that cross the tissue barrier and become
blood borne). Without sufficient IgG the
effectiveness of antibiotics is severely impaired because there is no protein
to bond with. It took 8 years from first
onset of symptoms to diagnose, and by that time, I was a steroid dependent
asthmatic with no adrenal function, an insulin dependent diabetic with very
high insulin resistance due to steroids, and my autoimmune system had begun
attacking my Thyroid gland. In short, as
the autoimmune system shut down my endocrine system caught the sucker punch.
I receive IV IgG
infusion therapy once a month to try and boost IgG levels. Insurance companies fight to deny payment for
this therapy as it bills out at over $12,000.00/month and is necessary for the
rest of the patient’s life. When I first
began infusion therapy 15 years ago the improvement in quality of life was
night and day. I went 5 years without a
hospitalization or septic infection. I got down to the lowest possible
maintenance dose of daily steroids, lost 40 pounds in a very short time, and
gained a significant improvement in daily energy. My life was as close to the “normal” I once
knew. Then BCBS of California denied my
diagnosis, retroactively refusing payment for 14 months of already administered
therapy. We were forced into
bankruptcy. Beginning in 2004, I went
five years without IgG therapy.
In 2009 I was nearing
the end of a losing battle against an infection that would not clear and was
getting increasingly antibiotic resistant. I was told, “If you don’t resume therapy
now the infection you have is going to kill you.” BCBS of North Carolina (ironic isn’t it?) approved infusion therapy, and I resumed
IgG infusions in November 2009. However,
the five years off decimated my autoimmune system such that the therapy is not
as effective as it once was. Nobody
knows the reasons why, but now even with therapy, I remain severely “immune
compromised”, contracting every germ that crosses my path. Once inside, they morph into something more
serious and are slow to respond or non-responsive to drug therapy.
The purpose of this
history is to enable you to fully appreciate what I am about to say. I am dealing with this infectious process
better than I have in 8 years. I have not had to significantly increase my daily
Prednisone dose. I have had more energy while sick than I ever have before. I have barely had to increase my insulin dose
during the infections. The antibiotic
therapy worked faster and more effectively than usual. Most importantly, I remained mobile
throughout. I continued Tai Chi, albeit
on a limited basis, through the worst days.
Tai Chi is doing something that I never would have thought possible. If it can stimulate a crippled autoimmune
system like mine, imagine what it is doing for yours!
CHAPTER 18: There is
hope for us all!
August 10th,
2012
Did I tell you that I have lost 8
pounds? It’s true; since I began Tai Chi
I have lost a solid 8 pounds. I lost it
without a huge overhaul of my diet (yet to come). It helps that every time I go to class I
leave craving Chinese food! Can you
believe that Tai Chi stimulates vege-loving taste buds? It’s true!
I am just beginning to realize how
significant that 8 lb. loss is to my overall health. I have more energy. My feet, knees, and lower back don’t hurt as
much. I have gone from injecting over
350 (YES that is three hundred and fifty) units of insulin a day to 200 units
or less. My last A1C (an indicator of
blood sugar control over a 90 day period) has dropped from 9.8 to 7.6 (a very significant drop in a short time).
For the first time in 8 years I want
to get up and move around because I have energy to spend. I relish being able to do Tai Chi for an hour
at a time. And today, my first day back
to class in over a week due to illness, I got an ovation from the class for being
able to make it all the way through without sitting in the chair. Thank you for acknowledging that, and thank
you all in my Shaolin family for your patience and support!
Do you know what happens
when a group of chi’ers perform Tai-Chi while moving forward a step at a time? The least savvy chi’er in the group stands
out like a frog in the swan pond! Now when I botched it, I was bumping
into another student, facing a direction I should not have been facing, had
knotted (not parted) the horse’s mane, and successfully confused the chi out of
those students who were closer to doing it right (that would be everyone
else). So I just want to know Shifu, do
I get points for being able to do all of the above simultaneously?
No matter how many
times I tried, I could not get my hands to communicate with my feet. It seems that I can speak “Handish” or I can
speak “Footish”, but somewhere around the torso there’s a language breakdown
that hinders my ability to be body-lingual.
It was not pretty! ‘But that’s
all right’, I thought, ‘I’ll practice it with Blake’.
So, when Blake came
home from class Friday night, I asked, “Hey, can you show me the ‘Parting the
Wild Horse’s Mane’ with walking steps cuz I don’t get it?” To which Blake replied, “Shifu just showed us
that tonight, and I had a hard time with it too.” Now, what do you do when your “go-to guy” is
struggling too?
When I finally
performed it correctly alongside Blake, I realized how right Shifu was. When you relax and focus your energy on a
fluid movement, the body’s natural inclination is to follow the hands path
gracefully. I also realized that I tense
up the minute I am presented with something new, completely cutting off my chi
and making execution that much more difficult.
Taken very slowly and in parts, the new movement is not so complicated. Performed properly, it is glorious!
So, fellow newbies take heart! If I can do this, there is hope for us all!
CHAPTER 19: Masters
of Excellence
August 13, 2012
I went to the Tai Chi
Basics class at 6:00 this evening, and I was the privileged recipient of Paul’s
one on one training for the entire hour.
I demonstrated the trouble I was having performing three new moves I was
taught yesterday with foot action, Parting the Wild Horse’s Mane, Repulsing the
Monkey, and Brushing ????? Paul said
that I would be an expert by the time class was over. Obviously, Paul has more confidence in me
than I do or has yet to see what I can do with choreography.
Blake told me that
Paul is an excellent teacher and he is.
I have to add patient, compassionate, and determined to the “excellent”
adjective. He broke out each movement
move by move, and demonstrated the self-defense aspect of each. This helped to create a mental point of
reference for what each move was meant to accomplish in the real world. That is not to say that I mastered the
movements. The need to move each arm in
opposing positions is a real challenge for me even before you get to the feet.
Thanks to Paul, I am much closer to performing the movements properly, and when
I do I feel the energy flow. Now I
understand what it is supposed to
feel like.
I wasn’t feeling well
during this class and, again, I quickly began to sweat and to tire during the
warm-up, but I felt better when I left.
I did it! I went to class two
consecutive days and I’m learning something new. I can’t wait for the day when
I know the moves well enough that I
begin to look graceful and fluid.
CHAPTER 20: The Power
of Hope
August 17th,
2012
As I said before, I
have IgG Deficiency, a disease that is in the “Bubble Boy” disease family. Anyone with a Primary Immune Deficiency knows
that the safest approach is to quarantine yourself as much as possible. That is what I have done for the past 12
years. I never go into schools. Unless
it is to be admitted, I don’t go into hospitals without a germ mask on. I don’t go anywhere when there is a flu
epidemic. Nobody who is even mildly sick
is allowed to visit our house as I will contract whatever I am exposed to. A simple, innocuous cold will set off an
infectious cycle that takes months to arrest, like this series of
infections. Going to Tai Chi is stepping
out of that bubble, and exposes me to all the germs of the living.
When children go off
to school for the first time they are often sick for the first several months
to a year due to the germ exposure. This
process is said to be “necessary” because it strengthens their autoimmune
systems by building antibodies to each new germ and these antibodies will
protect them from contracting that germ for the rest of their lives. My autoimmune system cannot build
antibodies. I have no immunity to any of
the childhood diseases even though I have had them all and/or been vaccinated
for them. I get bi-annual flu shots and
annual Pneumovac’s “just in case”, but the doctors don’t know whether they are
actually helping me. The thinking is, “they can’t hurt”. The long and short; there is no bubble that
is bubble enough to protect me, but I have taken a risk leaving my home and
attending a school. It’s a risk I
believe is worth it.
This afternoon Shifu
has invited me in for a “Chi treatment”.
I don’t know exactly what this entails, but even though I feel really
sick and I am very fatigued today, I am determined to try it. Tai Chi is already helping me mentally, and
has the potential to help me even more physically as I make it a daily part of
my life. Healing is dependent on a
positive mental attitude and mine is reinforced by Tai Chi’s empowerment. Something that makes you feel better even
when you are sick cannot be harmful. I
have always believed that the power of the mind and its energy is
unlimited. We have the power within
ourselves to make our own miracles, but for some of us there is a bigger learning
curve. If all I ever get from Tai Chi is
that sense of empowerment, that is more hope than I have had in 21 years of critical
illness.
I’ll let you know how
it goes.
MY
TAI CHI TREATMENT
It took every ounce
of energy I had to dress and make the 40 minute drive to the school. I cancelled my appointment with my Infectious
Disease doctor this morning because I felt too sick to drive the hour each way,
with a 30-45 minute visit in between. I
knew that there was nothing more he could do for me that wasn’t already being
done. Besides, the “system out’a wack”
diagnosis is still in effect – the course of my current health crisis defies
medical “science”.
I was met in the
school parking lot by a beautiful, gentle eyed, soft spoken woman who gave off
this incredible sense of tranquility.
She was getting some equipment out of her car and greeted me by name. Annette is a Shaolin student who is filming a
documentary about Shifu, and his positive impact on the community. I was told before I came that she would be
filming our Tai Chi session to potentially incorporate it in the
documentary. Until that moment, I did
not fully appreciate what an incredible privilege had been extended to me by
Shifu’s invitation.
I arrived in the
lobby desperately short of breath and unable to satisfy Shifu’s request to tell
him about my current health crisis. I
was so short of breath that I could only speak in short bursts while gasping
for air in between sentences. Then my
whole spine began to suffer waves of spasms, with each one taking my breath
away; interrupting my already labored effort to talk. Life
threatening asthma attacks work on two fronts.
Not only do the bronchial trees spasm with a choking force, restricting
the amount of air one can breathe in; they also spasm shut after each
inhalation, trapping the inspired air in the lungs, shutting down gas exchange,
and causing a rapid rise of carbon dioxide in the blood stream. The life threatening dynamics in play are
both suffocation and poisoning, which place extreme stress on the entire
cardiovascular system. Oxygen starved
muscles surrounding the diaphragm work double time to forcefully mimic the
respiration process that is normally a spontaneous function of the autonomic
nervous system. The back and chest muscles engage to deliver artificial
respiration to a failing system, and when they tire, they announce their
exhaustion with incredible spasms. Never
take breathing for granted. It is a
complex, sophisticated oxygenation mechanism that is only appreciated when
something goes wrong. Shifu quickly
recognized my pain and escorted me to the studio having seen enough to know
what was going on.
He had me sit on a
chair in a meditating posture with my hands on my lap, cradling each other, and
thumbs touching. This position, he said,
was to promote and stimulate the magnetic fields. The treatment began with a prolonged
meditation focused on deep breathing, and quieting the mind. While I sat there with my eyes closed he
stood behind me performing movements that elicited the most incredible feeling
of safety, warmth, and relaxation; as if I were wrapped in a soft, warm
blanket. I was embraced by this bubble,
surrounded by peace and tranquility. I was, for a second, afraid to breathe for
fear I might pop the bubble. That is
when I realized…I could breathe
without struggling. That relief came
within the first 15 minutes of the treatment and lasted for the entire rest of
the day. Whatever happened in those
first fifteen minutes re-energized me for the rest of the day.
The second part of
the treatment was performed standing while slowly performing a series of Tai
Gong movements that Shifu broke out into three simple parts. Each movement seemed to focus on feeling and
manipulating the energy field that was clearly surrounding me; drawing energy
in from the universe, and opening myself up to the energy within me. Normally, when in asthma crisis, I am winded,
and my skin is cold and clammy from the physical labor of breathing. Now, 30 minutes into the treatment, I was
able to move and breathe with substantially less effort than usual.
Imagine for a moment,
how sick you feel when you get the flu. Your head hurts; you feel pressure in your
sinuses and ears; your body aches; you cough; you sneeze repeatedly and
violently; you have a fever; you are nauseous; the very act of breathing is
exhausting. But instead of sleeping you
get up and perform a series of slow, choreographed movements with meditation
for 30-40 minutes. Within that time all
your flu symptoms melt away. The pain
dissipates, the fever is gone, you are able to breathe easily, and now you feel
like you only have a cold. Wouldn’t you
consider that a miracle. I did.
After the treatment
Annette had me sit down and tell my story.
I only hope in the telling that the value to others of my experience
with Shifu is as powerful as that treatment was for me. In the three months I
have known Shifu he has brought a quality I can only describe as “a betterness”
to my life. Tai Chi is empowering to me like
no other physical activity I have known since running. At age 35 (my disease as yet undiagnosed), I
was already a steroid dependent asthmatic on 80mg of Prednisone/day for more
than 6 months at a time, I began to run; first on a treadmill in my basement;
then outside. I ran 5-10 miles a day
every day, except when the shin splints were so bad that I was forced to lay
off. During those times I would load
both my children in the Burley and bike ride between 20 and 30 miles round
trip. I lost 67 pounds within 8 months
and for two years I was the most physically fit I had ever been. Running was no longer an exercise, it was a
passion; some would say an obsession. To
me it was empowering. It gave me a sense
of control over a serious illness that was threatening to take me out. In 1995, two years into my exercise
addiction, my spine collapsed requiring major back surgery at five levels front
and back. I never ran again. I have never felt that sense of empowerment
again until Tai Chi. It gave me that same
sense of fulfillment and achievement after the very first class.
I’m in my first
serious health crisis since I began Tai Chi, but my physical and mental coping
skills are already better than they were before it. Shifu told me to repeat the Tai Gong three
times a day and suggested a juicing regimen to boost the autoimmune
system. I began doing both things
yesterday and will continue on this path to enlightenment as it has already
improved my quality of life. There are
no words to adequately express my gratitude for the ways in which you have
already blessed my life. Thank you
Shifu, for the privilege of being your student!
*****
CHAPTER 21: Remain "Chi-ful"
August 21st,
2012
I discovered a
remarkable thing yesterday! Nothing and
no one can steal your chi. I am an anxious person. No, I am a very anxious person. In
fact, a good moniker for me might be “chicken little” because I am always waiting for the sky to
fall. Even when the mighty Atlas lifts
the burden of the world from my shoulders, I am conditioned to fight to take it
back. This is a pattern of once-necessary
behavior that defined me since I was a child.
As an adult, the heaviness of it can be seen manifesting in critical
illness.
Yesterday I was able
to do my Tai Gong meditation and exercises in the early part of the day because
I woke very early and was able to get my arthritic joints mobilized before
11:00am. My husband started a new job yesterday, so I barely slept the night
before, and instead, lie there worrying about all the “what if’s”. I was filled with a sickening, nervous
anxiety that I could not quiet.
I was able to repeat the Tai Gong later, in the early afternoon. By 2:00 I became aware that my mind was remarkably clear. The energy within me was light and free of the negativity associated with worry, even though I had chased worry down all night the previous night.
It was a particularly
hard day for two of my three family members.
I tend to absorb the negative energy of others much more than their
positive energy. I feel it when they
walk into the room, even if I have my eyes closed. But I go a step further than most, as a
result of my conditioned adolescent survival instinct; I take it on, and I
can’t let it go. Long after a family
member has dumped and released the negative energy within them, I am still
carrying it around and obsessing about it.
I continue to manipulate it as if it is that powerful ball of chi until
I have exhausted all the worrisome options that can be squeezed from it. As I said before, I find it ironic that the
most self-destructive behaviors are the ones I seem destined to
perpetuate. The remarkable thing I
discovered is this: in the proper mind frame, I can take control of that conditioned process, radically changing
the impact of negative energy on me, and perhaps even on those around me.
My husband came home
exuding stress and anxiousness. He is a
“Type A” personality, and he lives life at the top of an energy mountain I lose
sight of through the clouds. He didn’t
have to say anything. I felt the clouds
roiling around him, and had to distance myself from him in order to not become
one of his cloud-figures. Then, my son
came home frantically stressing about life and needing to dump in order to be
calm enough to process it all. Normally,
these two circumstances happening simultaneously would have consumed me, setting off a
several-days-long-cycle of concern for their welfare, never realizing that I had made myself the victim of the
world’s injustices. But yesterday that
did not happen. My feathers did not even
ruffle. Instead, I was able to observe,
listen, and support them without absorbing their negative energy. I was able to set myself apart from it,
remain calm rather than reactionary (something truly remarkable for me), and to
offer up constructive advice (I hate that word!) for them to benefit
from or not. I never felt
compelled to pick up their burdens, nor did I lose a second worrying for
them. I simply, calmly moved on. The
positive effects of having done so did not stop there.
I have volunteered my
time to Shaolin Institute making follow-up phone calls to prospective students
who have been referred or have expressed their interest on our web-site. I was unable to make calls last week because
I could barely talk, so I picked up where I left off at 6:00pm last night, and
made 8 or more phone calls to active prospects I needed to catch up with. I managed to reach three of them and had very
positive, enthusiastic conversations about the school that left them and me
feeling good. Two informed me that they
appreciated the e-mails and phone calls (something I rarely hear) and that they
were planning to join the school by December of this year (decisions I am not
taking any credit for here).
So what am I
saying? I never could have picked up
that phone or had the positive conversations with those prospects had I
followed my usual pattern of consuming the negative energy of others. I realized that others energy cannot consume
positive chi; only my own negative energy leaves me vulnerable to it. Not only did I change the way that I respond
to those circumstances, it happened effortlessly. It happened because my positive chi was so
strong after performing the Tai Gong twice yesterday that nothing harmful
(including my own self-destructive behavioral tendency) penetrated it. The simple act of performing those exercises
released me from my own negativity, and behaviors so pre-conditioned that I
surrendered to them my whole life automatically. I never felt so free!
It’s interesting to
note that the effect of having accomplished that released those around me from
their own anxiety. By 9:00pm my family
was comfortably gathered in the family room and everyone was happily engaged in
positive, constructive conversation. That, my friends, is the clearest
demonstration I can imagine of the effect and impact of positive chi. I only
hope I have done it justice in the telling.
Perhaps, for a moment today, when I needed to be, I exemplified that gentle
tranquility and positive spirit so visibly and spiritually present in the
advanced students, and in Shifu. I am
not saying I am anywhere near them in any way, especially in mastery of my chi.
I am simply saying, they have taught me something very powerful.
Take a minute and
give serious consideration to how the Shaolin experience has changed you. Then commit to do something on the school’s
behalf in thanks. How your life has been
enhanced by it is the greatest gift you could ever receive. How you choose to pay it forward is the
greatest gift you can give in return!
Thanks for reading!
******
CHAPTER 22: Just Feel
August 25th,
2012
It’s Saturday night
at 9:41 and I just completed 52 minutes of continuous Tai Chi/Tai Gong
“exercise”??? (It sure doesn’t feel like exercise). I feel so
incredibly relaxed; so cleansed. It’s
the feeling I get after I sit in a warm bath; that everything negative and
heavy has been washed away.
A fascinating dynamic
has developed in this very short time. No matter how sick I am feeling, I want to do the Tai Gong; no, I have to do it! A voice inside of me is constantly beckoning
for it. I have not missed a single day
since I last saw Shifu. You see, the Tai
Gong has become part of me, and I it. It is the most natural habit I have ever
acquired and, perhaps, the only good one.
My interpretation of what I have discovered to
date is this; within us all is a brilliant, primordial, intuitive, amorphous
energy. It links us all, and is in tune with the universe through a mysterious thing
called “chi”. It knew us before we knew
ourselves. It does not shout; it
whispers, guiding us perfectly if we let it.
Perhaps it is proof that every one of us has a purpose here, and that
when we are right with the world it is because we have found the path we are
supposed to be on.
Here in the west we do not learn about this mysterious force unless we look outside the walls of traditional western beliefs. When we peek through the cracks in the wall, “chi” shines through them. If we can surrender to it, even for brief moments at a time, we begin to get a glimpse of a universal, life sustaining force that is fully in touch with all things. Unfortunately most of us will never quiet our mind enough to hear it, or relax sufficiently to feel it. It is one of those many things fundamental to Eastern philosophy and mindset.
Western education
combined with cultural and societal demands have effectively silenced that
little voice in us, shoving it behind an iron curtain of misbelief that we are in control and the misdirection
that accompanies that fallacy - that we
know what is best for ourselves and
the world. So we shove the square
pegs into the round holes for a lifetime under the auspices that by doing so we can create universality.
Living that way has
become so familiar (albeit uncomfortable, stressful, and self-destructive) that
I, like so many “Westerners” have allowed the chaos of the world to swallow me
whole from the moment I awaken to the moment I say “STOP”. Stop the merry-go-round to which I
surrendered control long ago because I didn’t know better, and, instead,
surrender to “chi”; listen for its whisper.
Permitted to do so, “chi” will guide us rightly for that is its purpose. There is wholeness, a oneness, in that surrender
that cannot be found anywhere else in the universe. Only by abdicating control to that
fundamental, patient, instinctually bound voice within, is there peace.
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