CHAPTER 16: Gutting
it out
August 3rd, 2012
I know I’ve said this
before, but for the benefit of non-chi’ers; Tai Gong is the healing form of Tai
Chi that my Shifu developed over the years specifically for healing. It focuses on opening up your chi and
channeling that energy to stimulate the autoimmune system. Every movement is centered on the slow,
coordinated manipulation of an invisible ball – a ball of universal
energy. It is very relaxing when
performed properly. Most of the movements
are simple, but there is a couple that I tripped over again and again. When both hands need to be moving
simultaneously, I’m in trouble. It’s as
if my brain can only process one move at a time…I’m linear. Being reminded that one or both hands should
always be holding the ball helped me, but I still managed to dribble it through
the transitions.
When class was over I
actually did feel better. Shifu said
that the mere act of moving and focusing on breathing was, in and of itself,
healing. Perhaps that is what made me
feel better. I am hopeful that Tai Chi
will enable me to keep going through illness.
We will see.
****
CHAPTER 17: I’m a Believer
August 9th, 2012
I have a progressive
autoimmune disease called IgG (Immunogammaglobulin) Deficiency also known as
Common Variable Immune Deficiency, and Hypogammaglobulinemia. It is in the same family as “the Bubble Boy”
disease (perhaps you are familiar with the movie “Bubble Boy” with Jake
Gyllenhaal) which pokes fun at the impossibility of living in a plastic
bubble?
IgG is produced in
the bone marrow, and is the primary protein and foundation of the autoimmune
system. It lines all of the internal
organs and is especially abundant in the sinuses, respiratory and digestive
tracts. It provides a protective barrier
that captures infectious cells before they can penetrate tissue thereby allowing
white blood cells to attack the germs. It
is also the mechanism that drug companies target when producing
antibiotics. Therapeutic drugs are
manufactured to molecularly bond to this protein, thereby releasing their payload
and poisoning the infectious cells before they can penetrate the tissue/blood
barrier.
My bone marrow does
not produce enough IgG, leaving me vulnerable to all sorts of infections and
prone to septic infections (infections that cross the tissue barrier and become
blood borne). Without sufficient IgG the
effectiveness of antibiotics is severely impaired because there is no protein
to bond with. It took 8 years from first
onset of symptoms to diagnose, and by that time, I was a steroid dependent
asthmatic with no adrenal function, an insulin dependent diabetic with very
high insulin resistance due to steroids, and my autoimmune system had begun
attacking my Thyroid gland. In short, as
the autoimmune system shut down my endocrine system caught the sucker punch.
I receive IV IgG
infusion therapy once a month to try and boost IgG levels. Insurance companies fight to deny payment for
this therapy as it bills out at over $12,000.00/month and is necessary for the
rest of the patient’s life. When I first
began infusion therapy 15 years ago the improvement in quality of life was
night and day. I went 5 years without a
hospitalization or septic infection. I got down to the lowest possible
maintenance dose of daily steroids, lost 40 pounds in a very short time, and
gained a significant improvement in daily energy. My life was as close to the “normal” I once
knew. Then BCBS of California denied my
diagnosis, retroactively refusing payment for 14 months of already administered
therapy. We were forced into
bankruptcy. Beginning in 2004, I went
five years without IgG therapy.
In 2009 I was nearing
the end of a losing battle against an infection that would not clear and was
getting increasingly antibiotic resistant. I was told, “If you don’t resume therapy
now the infection you have is going to kill you.” BCBS of North Carolina (ironic isn’t it?) approved infusion therapy, and I resumed
IgG infusions in November 2009. However,
the five years off decimated my autoimmune system such that the therapy is not
as effective as it once was. Nobody
knows the reasons why, but now even with therapy, I remain severely “immune
compromised”, contracting every germ that crosses my path. Once inside, they morph into something more
serious and are slow to respond or non-responsive to drug therapy.
The purpose of this
history is to enable you to fully appreciate what I am about to say. I am dealing with this infectious process
better than I have in 8 years. I have not had to significantly increase my daily
Prednisone dose. I have had more energy while sick than I ever have before. I have barely had to increase my insulin dose
during the infections. The antibiotic
therapy worked faster and more effectively than usual. Most importantly, I remained mobile
throughout. I continued Tai Chi, albeit
on a limited basis, through the worst days.
Tai Chi is doing something that I never would have thought possible. If it can stimulate a crippled autoimmune
system like mine, imagine what it is doing for yours!
CHAPTER 18: There is
hope for us all!
August 10th,
2012
Did I tell you that I have lost 8
pounds? It’s true; since I began Tai Chi
I have lost a solid 8 pounds. I lost it
without a huge overhaul of my diet (yet to come). It helps that every time I go to class I
leave craving Chinese food! Can you
believe that Tai Chi stimulates vege-loving taste buds? It’s true!
I am just beginning to realize how
significant that 8 lb. loss is to my overall health. I have more energy. My feet, knees, and lower back don’t hurt as
much. I have gone from injecting over
350 (YES that is three hundred and fifty) units of insulin a day to 200 units
or less. My last A1C (an indicator of
blood sugar control over a 90 day period) has dropped from 9.8 to 7.6 (a very significant drop in a short time).
For the first time in 8 years I want
to get up and move around because I have energy to spend. I relish being able to do Tai Chi for an hour
at a time. And today, my first day back
to class in over a week due to illness, I got an ovation from the class for being
able to make it all the way through without sitting in the chair. Thank you for acknowledging that, and thank
you all in my Shaolin family for your patience and support!
Do you know what happens
when a group of chi’ers perform Tai-Chi while moving forward a step at a time? The least savvy chi’er in the group stands
out like a frog in the swan pond! Now when I botched it, I was bumping
into another student, facing a direction I should not have been facing, had
knotted (not parted) the horse’s mane, and successfully confused the chi out of
those students who were closer to doing it right (that would be everyone
else). So I just want to know Shifu, do
I get points for being able to do all of the above simultaneously?
No matter how many
times I tried, I could not get my hands to communicate with my feet. It seems that I can speak “Handish” or I can
speak “Footish”, but somewhere around the torso there’s a language breakdown
that hinders my ability to be body-lingual.
It was not pretty! ‘But that’s
all right’, I thought, ‘I’ll practice it with Blake’.
So, when Blake came
home from class Friday night, I asked, “Hey, can you show me the ‘Parting the
Wild Horse’s Mane’ with walking steps cuz I don’t get it?” To which Blake replied, “Shifu just showed us
that tonight, and I had a hard time with it too.” Now, what do you do when your “go-to guy” is
struggling too?
When I finally
performed it correctly alongside Blake, I realized how right Shifu was. When you relax and focus your energy on a
fluid movement, the body’s natural inclination is to follow the hands path
gracefully. I also realized that I tense
up the minute I am presented with something new, completely cutting off my chi
and making execution that much more difficult.
Taken very slowly and in parts, the new movement is not so complicated. Performed properly, it is glorious!
So, fellow newbies take heart! If I can do this, there is hope for us all!
CHAPTER 19: Masters
of Excellence
August 13, 2012
I went to the Tai Chi
Basics class at 6:00 this evening, and I was the privileged recipient of Paul’s
one on one training for the entire hour.
I demonstrated the trouble I was having performing three new moves I was
taught yesterday with foot action, Parting the Wild Horse’s Mane, Repulsing the
Monkey, and Brushing ????? Paul said
that I would be an expert by the time class was over. Obviously, Paul has more confidence in me
than I do or has yet to see what I can do with choreography.
Blake told me that
Paul is an excellent teacher and he is.
I have to add patient, compassionate, and determined to the “excellent”
adjective. He broke out each movement
move by move, and demonstrated the self-defense aspect of each. This helped to create a mental point of
reference for what each move was meant to accomplish in the real world. That is not to say that I mastered the
movements. The need to move each arm in
opposing positions is a real challenge for me even before you get to the feet.
Thanks to Paul, I am much closer to performing the movements properly, and when
I do I feel the energy flow. Now I
understand what it is supposed to
feel like.
I wasn’t feeling well
during this class and, again, I quickly began to sweat and to tire during the
warm-up, but I felt better when I left.
I did it! I went to class two
consecutive days and I’m learning something new. I can’t wait for the day when
I know the moves well enough that I
begin to look graceful and fluid.
CHAPTER 20: The Power
of Hope
August 17th,
2012
As I said before, I
have IgG Deficiency, a disease that is in the “Bubble Boy” disease family. Anyone with a Primary Immune Deficiency knows
that the safest approach is to quarantine yourself as much as possible. That is what I have done for the past 12
years. I never go into schools. Unless
it is to be admitted, I don’t go into hospitals without a germ mask on. I don’t go anywhere when there is a flu
epidemic. Nobody who is even mildly sick
is allowed to visit our house as I will contract whatever I am exposed to. A simple, innocuous cold will set off an
infectious cycle that takes months to arrest, like this series of
infections. Going to Tai Chi is stepping
out of that bubble, and exposes me to all the germs of the living.
When children go off
to school for the first time they are often sick for the first several months
to a year due to the germ exposure. This
process is said to be “necessary” because it strengthens their autoimmune
systems by building antibodies to each new germ and these antibodies will
protect them from contracting that germ for the rest of their lives. My autoimmune system cannot build
antibodies. I have no immunity to any of
the childhood diseases even though I have had them all and/or been vaccinated
for them. I get bi-annual flu shots and
annual Pneumovac’s “just in case”, but the doctors don’t know whether they are
actually helping me. The thinking is, “they can’t hurt”. The long and short; there is no bubble that
is bubble enough to protect me, but I have taken a risk leaving my home and
attending a school. It’s a risk I
believe is worth it.
This afternoon Shifu
has invited me in for a “Chi treatment”.
I don’t know exactly what this entails, but even though I feel really
sick and I am very fatigued today, I am determined to try it. Tai Chi is already helping me mentally, and
has the potential to help me even more physically as I make it a daily part of
my life. Healing is dependent on a
positive mental attitude and mine is reinforced by Tai Chi’s empowerment. Something that makes you feel better even
when you are sick cannot be harmful. I
have always believed that the power of the mind and its energy is
unlimited. We have the power within
ourselves to make our own miracles, but for some of us there is a bigger learning
curve. If all I ever get from Tai Chi is
that sense of empowerment, that is more hope than I have had in 21 years of critical
illness.
I’ll let you know how
it goes.
MY
TAI CHI TREATMENT
It took every ounce
of energy I had to dress and make the 40 minute drive to the school. I cancelled my appointment with my Infectious
Disease doctor this morning because I felt too sick to drive the hour each way,
with a 30-45 minute visit in between. I
knew that there was nothing more he could do for me that wasn’t already being
done. Besides, the “system out’a wack”
diagnosis is still in effect – the course of my current health crisis defies
medical “science”.
I was met in the
school parking lot by a beautiful, gentle eyed, soft spoken woman who gave off
this incredible sense of tranquility.
She was getting some equipment out of her car and greeted me by name. Annette is a Shaolin student who is filming a
documentary about Shifu, and his positive impact on the community. I was told before I came that she would be
filming our Tai Chi session to potentially incorporate it in the
documentary. Until that moment, I did
not fully appreciate what an incredible privilege had been extended to me by
Shifu’s invitation.
I arrived in the
lobby desperately short of breath and unable to satisfy Shifu’s request to tell
him about my current health crisis. I
was so short of breath that I could only speak in short bursts while gasping
for air in between sentences. Then my
whole spine began to suffer waves of spasms, with each one taking my breath
away; interrupting my already labored effort to talk. Life
threatening asthma attacks work on two fronts.
Not only do the bronchial trees spasm with a choking force, restricting
the amount of air one can breathe in; they also spasm shut after each
inhalation, trapping the inspired air in the lungs, shutting down gas exchange,
and causing a rapid rise of carbon dioxide in the blood stream. The life threatening dynamics in play are
both suffocation and poisoning, which place extreme stress on the entire
cardiovascular system. Oxygen starved
muscles surrounding the diaphragm work double time to forcefully mimic the
respiration process that is normally a spontaneous function of the autonomic
nervous system. The back and chest muscles engage to deliver artificial
respiration to a failing system, and when they tire, they announce their
exhaustion with incredible spasms. Never
take breathing for granted. It is a
complex, sophisticated oxygenation mechanism that is only appreciated when
something goes wrong. Shifu quickly
recognized my pain and escorted me to the studio having seen enough to know
what was going on.
He had me sit on a
chair in a meditating posture with my hands on my lap, cradling each other, and
thumbs touching. This position, he said,
was to promote and stimulate the magnetic fields. The treatment began with a prolonged
meditation focused on deep breathing, and quieting the mind. While I sat there with my eyes closed he
stood behind me performing movements that elicited the most incredible feeling
of safety, warmth, and relaxation; as if I were wrapped in a soft, warm
blanket. I was embraced by this bubble,
surrounded by peace and tranquility. I was, for a second, afraid to breathe for
fear I might pop the bubble. That is
when I realized…I could breathe
without struggling. That relief came
within the first 15 minutes of the treatment and lasted for the entire rest of
the day. Whatever happened in those
first fifteen minutes re-energized me for the rest of the day.
The second part of
the treatment was performed standing while slowly performing a series of Tai
Gong movements that Shifu broke out into three simple parts. Each movement seemed to focus on feeling and
manipulating the energy field that was clearly surrounding me; drawing energy
in from the universe, and opening myself up to the energy within me. Normally, when in asthma crisis, I am winded,
and my skin is cold and clammy from the physical labor of breathing. Now, 30 minutes into the treatment, I was
able to move and breathe with substantially less effort than usual.
Imagine for a moment,
how sick you feel when you get the flu. Your head hurts; you feel pressure in your
sinuses and ears; your body aches; you cough; you sneeze repeatedly and
violently; you have a fever; you are nauseous; the very act of breathing is
exhausting. But instead of sleeping you
get up and perform a series of slow, choreographed movements with meditation
for 30-40 minutes. Within that time all
your flu symptoms melt away. The pain
dissipates, the fever is gone, you are able to breathe easily, and now you feel
like you only have a cold. Wouldn’t you
consider that a miracle. I did.
After the treatment
Annette had me sit down and tell my story.
I only hope in the telling that the value to others of my experience
with Shifu is as powerful as that treatment was for me. In the three months I
have known Shifu he has brought a quality I can only describe as “a betterness”
to my life. Tai Chi is empowering to me like
no other physical activity I have known since running. At age 35 (my disease as yet undiagnosed), I
was already a steroid dependent asthmatic on 80mg of Prednisone/day for more
than 6 months at a time, I began to run; first on a treadmill in my basement;
then outside. I ran 5-10 miles a day
every day, except when the shin splints were so bad that I was forced to lay
off. During those times I would load
both my children in the Burley and bike ride between 20 and 30 miles round
trip. I lost 67 pounds within 8 months
and for two years I was the most physically fit I had ever been. Running was no longer an exercise, it was a
passion; some would say an obsession. To
me it was empowering. It gave me a sense
of control over a serious illness that was threatening to take me out. In 1995, two years into my exercise
addiction, my spine collapsed requiring major back surgery at five levels front
and back. I never ran again. I have never felt that sense of empowerment
again until Tai Chi. It gave me that same
sense of fulfillment and achievement after the very first class.
I’m in my first
serious health crisis since I began Tai Chi, but my physical and mental coping
skills are already better than they were before it. Shifu told me to repeat the Tai Gong three
times a day and suggested a juicing regimen to boost the autoimmune
system. I began doing both things
yesterday and will continue on this path to enlightenment as it has already
improved my quality of life. There are
no words to adequately express my gratitude for the ways in which you have
already blessed my life. Thank you
Shifu, for the privilege of being your student!
*****
CHAPTER 21: Remain "Chi-ful"
August 21st,
2012
I discovered a
remarkable thing yesterday! Nothing and
no one can steal your chi. I am an anxious person. No, I am a very anxious person. In
fact, a good moniker for me might be “chicken little” because I am always waiting for the sky to
fall. Even when the mighty Atlas lifts
the burden of the world from my shoulders, I am conditioned to fight to take it
back. This is a pattern of once-necessary
behavior that defined me since I was a child.
As an adult, the heaviness of it can be seen manifesting in critical
illness.
Yesterday I was able
to do my Tai Gong meditation and exercises in the early part of the day because
I woke very early and was able to get my arthritic joints mobilized before
11:00am. My husband started a new job yesterday, so I barely slept the night
before, and instead, lie there worrying about all the “what if’s”. I was filled with a sickening, nervous
anxiety that I could not quiet.
I was able to repeat the Tai Gong later, in the early afternoon. By 2:00 I became aware that my mind was remarkably clear. The energy within me was light and free of the negativity associated with worry, even though I had chased worry down all night the previous night.
It was a particularly
hard day for two of my three family members.
I tend to absorb the negative energy of others much more than their
positive energy. I feel it when they
walk into the room, even if I have my eyes closed. But I go a step further than most, as a
result of my conditioned adolescent survival instinct; I take it on, and I
can’t let it go. Long after a family
member has dumped and released the negative energy within them, I am still
carrying it around and obsessing about it.
I continue to manipulate it as if it is that powerful ball of chi until
I have exhausted all the worrisome options that can be squeezed from it. As I said before, I find it ironic that the
most self-destructive behaviors are the ones I seem destined to
perpetuate. The remarkable thing I
discovered is this: in the proper mind frame, I can take control of that conditioned process, radically changing
the impact of negative energy on me, and perhaps even on those around me.
My husband came home
exuding stress and anxiousness. He is a
“Type A” personality, and he lives life at the top of an energy mountain I lose
sight of through the clouds. He didn’t
have to say anything. I felt the clouds
roiling around him, and had to distance myself from him in order to not become
one of his cloud-figures. Then, my son
came home frantically stressing about life and needing to dump in order to be
calm enough to process it all. Normally,
these two circumstances happening simultaneously would have consumed me, setting off a
several-days-long-cycle of concern for their welfare, never realizing that I had made myself the victim of the
world’s injustices. But yesterday that
did not happen. My feathers did not even
ruffle. Instead, I was able to observe,
listen, and support them without absorbing their negative energy. I was able to set myself apart from it,
remain calm rather than reactionary (something truly remarkable for me), and to
offer up constructive advice (I hate that word!) for them to benefit
from or not. I never felt
compelled to pick up their burdens, nor did I lose a second worrying for
them. I simply, calmly moved on. The
positive effects of having done so did not stop there.
I have volunteered my
time to Shaolin Institute making follow-up phone calls to prospective students
who have been referred or have expressed their interest on our web-site. I was unable to make calls last week because
I could barely talk, so I picked up where I left off at 6:00pm last night, and
made 8 or more phone calls to active prospects I needed to catch up with. I managed to reach three of them and had very
positive, enthusiastic conversations about the school that left them and me
feeling good. Two informed me that they
appreciated the e-mails and phone calls (something I rarely hear) and that they
were planning to join the school by December of this year (decisions I am not
taking any credit for here).
So what am I
saying? I never could have picked up
that phone or had the positive conversations with those prospects had I
followed my usual pattern of consuming the negative energy of others. I realized that others energy cannot consume
positive chi; only my own negative energy leaves me vulnerable to it. Not only did I change the way that I respond
to those circumstances, it happened effortlessly. It happened because my positive chi was so
strong after performing the Tai Gong twice yesterday that nothing harmful
(including my own self-destructive behavioral tendency) penetrated it. The simple act of performing those exercises
released me from my own negativity, and behaviors so pre-conditioned that I
surrendered to them my whole life automatically. I never felt so free!
It’s interesting to
note that the effect of having accomplished that released those around me from
their own anxiety. By 9:00pm my family
was comfortably gathered in the family room and everyone was happily engaged in
positive, constructive conversation. That, my friends, is the clearest
demonstration I can imagine of the effect and impact of positive chi. I only
hope I have done it justice in the telling.
Perhaps, for a moment today, when I needed to be, I exemplified that gentle
tranquility and positive spirit so visibly and spiritually present in the
advanced students, and in Shifu. I am
not saying I am anywhere near them in any way, especially in mastery of my chi.
I am simply saying, they have taught me something very powerful.
Take a minute and
give serious consideration to how the Shaolin experience has changed you. Then commit to do something on the school’s
behalf in thanks. How your life has been
enhanced by it is the greatest gift you could ever receive. How you choose to pay it forward is the
greatest gift you can give in return!
Thanks for reading!
******
CHAPTER 22: Just Feel
August 25th,
2012
It’s Saturday night
at 9:41 and I just completed 52 minutes of continuous Tai Chi/Tai Gong
“exercise”??? (It sure doesn’t feel like exercise). I feel so
incredibly relaxed; so cleansed. It’s
the feeling I get after I sit in a warm bath; that everything negative and
heavy has been washed away.
A fascinating dynamic
has developed in this very short time. No matter how sick I am feeling, I want to do the Tai Gong; no, I have to do it! A voice inside of me is constantly beckoning
for it. I have not missed a single day
since I last saw Shifu. You see, the Tai
Gong has become part of me, and I it. It is the most natural habit I have ever
acquired and, perhaps, the only good one.
My interpretation of what I have discovered to
date is this; within us all is a brilliant, primordial, intuitive, amorphous
energy. It links us all, and is in tune with the universe through a mysterious thing
called “chi”. It knew us before we knew
ourselves. It does not shout; it
whispers, guiding us perfectly if we let it.
Perhaps it is proof that every one of us has a purpose here, and that
when we are right with the world it is because we have found the path we are
supposed to be on.
Here in the west we do not learn about this mysterious force unless we look outside the walls of traditional western beliefs. When we peek through the cracks in the wall, “chi” shines through them. If we can surrender to it, even for brief moments at a time, we begin to get a glimpse of a universal, life sustaining force that is fully in touch with all things. Unfortunately most of us will never quiet our mind enough to hear it, or relax sufficiently to feel it. It is one of those many things fundamental to Eastern philosophy and mindset.
Western education
combined with cultural and societal demands have effectively silenced that
little voice in us, shoving it behind an iron curtain of misbelief that we are in control and the misdirection
that accompanies that fallacy - that we
know what is best for ourselves and
the world. So we shove the square
pegs into the round holes for a lifetime under the auspices that by doing so we can create universality.
Living that way has
become so familiar (albeit uncomfortable, stressful, and self-destructive) that
I, like so many “Westerners” have allowed the chaos of the world to swallow me
whole from the moment I awaken to the moment I say “STOP”. Stop the merry-go-round to which I
surrendered control long ago because I didn’t know better, and, instead,
surrender to “chi”; listen for its whisper.
Permitted to do so, “chi” will guide us rightly for that is its purpose. There is wholeness, a oneness, in that surrender
that cannot be found anywhere else in the universe. Only by abdicating control to that
fundamental, patient, instinctually bound voice within, is there peace.
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