COME JOURNEY WITH ME

The last weekend in February I had the privilege of attending Shaolin Institute’s Qi Retreat. This was
a monumental moment in my life for a number of reasons, not least of which was because it was my
first solo out-of-state- trip in 6 years and my only “recreational” excursion in over 10. I rented a car
and drove myself, traveling the six hours from Georgia to Pensacola, Florida (and back) non-stop. Of that alone, I am proud, empowered, and feel liberated. It’s only when I had the courage to turn the
key and venture out that I realized the full confinement of the cage I had put myself in, waiting for
that one last medical crisis to end my cautious, bland, limited existence. Allow me to share a bit of
“Shifu Wisdom” with you.

During the time of the great hardship (Mao’s brutal rule over China) Shifu’s Shifu was expelled from the Shaolin Temple by Mao’s army. He was labeled an” enemy of the country”. He was publicly humiliated, persecuted, and punished and anyone who came to his aid was killed.  He was stripped naked, thrown into a well and left there at the bottom for 20 days. Everyone was certain that he was dead, for how could anyone survive for 20 days in a freezing cold, wet, dark, food less environment?

After 20 days the soldiers pulled him out. They were panic stricken. He came up out of the well with a smile on his face, perfectly fine; completely happy. They put him in a cage where he was expected to die. He would not, did not, stay there. He set himself free. He did not die.

"He always said that it was the best time of his life down there in the well because he meditated, he relaxed, and he just let go. He came out anew with an enlightened perspective on the universe. It was one of the life-experiences that made him the extraordinary man that he was."

“Only we can put ourselves in a cage and only we can let ourselves out.

We must not allow others to bury us with their thoughts or their beliefs.

We must achieve dynamic balance in order to be truly free.”

                                                                                                                         Shifu

Thank you for that analogy, Shifu. It could not have resonated more profoundly with me.

I am very fortunate because I love to write. I process by writing and that gives me time for deeper
reflection, often revealing unique insights of what people have said that would otherwise be iinaccessible to me. I am a “visual listener” and an “auditory processor”. Everything that I record in
notes I process dynamically as stories and translate them to the page in the storytellers voice, as best as I can express it; in a way that I experienced them. So, taking notes at the Qi Retreat was necessary
for me and, I think, was beneficial to the other attendees when I transcribed and distributed them.

I didn’t just record “notes”…I recorded the wisdom of a true Shaolin Grand Master (monk) with 30+
years of education at the Shaolin Temple, and another 20 years of practical Western scholarship and
experience teaching his “life-style” and “mindset” to people around the world. He came to the U.S. as the torchbearer of Chan/Zen on behalf of his Shifu, the last living Abbott of the Shaolin Temple,,
Great Grand Master, “His Holiness” Shi Suxi, whose fondest and final wish was to see the incredible
benefits of this “way of life” shared with the whole world. What a monumental task. What a commitment. What a tribute.

What Shifu shared with us “Retreaters” was so compelling that I am going to share excerpts of his
story with you. I will begin as he did, with a story of a universal truth about attitude and perspective.

Story of the Crystal River

"There was a young being within the Crystal River village. Everyone in the village was very tied to this place, the rocks, the trees; the tradition. But, this being didn’t want to be tied to the place. He didn’t want to be in a cage, but everyone told him that this was life – if you let go, you die. So, like the other people in the village, he held on; he held on tight…at least as long as he could stand to. 

Then one day he’d had enough. He decided he had to let go. He did.  Whoosh…the current in the river swept him up and threw him down hard onto the rocks. He bumped his head, he bruised, bled and he struggled to swim. The harder he fought, the more it swept him under and he felt that the water was fighting to drown him, until he finally just…let go, sure that he was going to die. And in that moment when he surrendered to it, the current carried him to the surface and he floated on the waves.

He was no longer a hostage of the village, the Crystal River, or of himself. He was free. This awed the people of the village. They thought him a holy man. They still believed that it wasn’t possible to “let go”. He was special. “Letting go” was something they would never survive. They remained hostage to their own thought process. They remained forever in their cage.

“When we hang on to all kinds of things, we begin to feel like a victim, and we are…we are victims of our thoughts."

What you believe about yourself and the things happening all around you

That is what you will become.”

                                                                                                                       Shifu

We learned about Yin & Yang, the importance of the positive and negative balance of the universe,
the energy “QI” that makes us one with all that there is. We learned about “quieting the mind”, “freeing the spirit”, and coming in touch with “the inner wisdom” that is meant to direct us to our path and guide us on our journey. But most of all, I learned effective techniques to enable me to move toward achieving these things, which were once only intangible, mystic, poetic concepts to me.

“True balance, authentic balance, is always dynamic balance.

Dynamic balance keeps changing and we must be flexible and open to the changes

so we ride on the waves, rather than getting buried beneath them.

The only time we should get comfortable is with our last breath.

Then all things stay the same.”

                                                                                                                       Shifu

How we think can be the most devastating disease we will ever suffer. Or we can learn to let it go,
relax, and stimulate the brain to secrete the natural chemicals that bring us health, well-being, and
true happiness. Once we let go, we open the Qi channels, restore good, natural Qi flow and then we
can defend ourselves. What we feed ourselves is not only food; it is the energy and the circumstances
all around us. Shifu taught our evolving Retreat community lessons in Chan nutrition, spice and
herbal supplementation, and how to use internal and external “nutrition” to balance the immune
system and achieve harmony in our lives.

“Let it all go.

Be a good servant.

The better you learn to do this, the better you will be able to serve yourself and others,

the more compassionate you will be.

We take our past and hand it to the next person

and we are then a servant of mankind.”

                                                                                                                      Shifu

“When I was very young, 3 years old and living in China, I had polio. At that time there was no “treatment” or “cure”; most people who contracted it died. I was treated with herbs, things that grew wild in the forest, on the mountain. My Shifu treated me and took care of me and I got well, with no ill effects from a disease that crippled or killed most people. In China, that was the whole of medicine at the time.

When I came to the U.S. in the late ‘80’s promoting the idea that the body can heal itself and that doing so was dependent on creating mind/body harmony through slow, controlled breathing and movements that was like heresy. In the early 90’s I presented a paper at the World Medical Congress that was based on research of Tai Chi, Qi Gong mind/body healing. By 1996 George Washington College was one of the first colleges in the country to have a Mind/Body Medicine Department.  They asked me to speak there.

I came here to learn Western medicine so that I could help people here by understanding sides, the western mainstream perspective and my Eastern training. I found that the West is more focused on the mechanical aspect of treatment, similar to practices like acupuncture. It is more symptom specific or disease oriented. In the West doctors treat symptoms and people want to be “fixed” quickly so it perpetuates this mindset. Here, they do not treat the organism. They do not work to fix what is really broken – the communication channels between the body and mind at the cellular level.”

That day we did immune Tai Gong and learned four short segments designed to “instigate the mind to produce the body’s natural chemicals to facilitate healing.” The Retreat was aimed at helping us
unveil the inner wisdom to heal ourselves. It was also very focused on preventative care. Tai Gong/Qi
Gong help to improve not only the immune system, but also the function of the internal organs. I
believe Shifu when he says that these ancient, natural-healing practices can save the U.S. billions of
dollars currently dedicated to treating symptoms and quick, temporary “fixes” that aren’t “fixing”
many of us. I know from personal experience with 21 years of critical illness that this is certainly true
in the case of my disease process.

The Friday afternoon that I arrived in Pensacola Beach my Infectious Disease specialist called to say
that I had a positive sinus culture for a very virile form of Staph and needed to get on a heavy-dutydose of Bactrim, until I returned home, when we would discuss IV antibiotic home therapy. I did
that. Over the three-day weekend, while I was suffering from the 5th consecutive bug cultured in my
sinus since a sinus hemorrhage in September, and even as an antibiotic that leaves no natural flora
standing was assaulting my body, I felt something I hadn’t felt in over 6 months… “well”.  

Eastern medicine knows that all things within our organism can be controlled. We must be taught how to gain/regain that control. We all have this ability. When we watch TV, TV controls our mind whether you realize it or not. We can use meditation to take back control; to turn inward.

How do we regain control? We must empty the mind; turn over control so that the organism can
regulate itself, as it does naturally. We must also assume the right attitude. We can choose to be
happy or we can choose to be gloomy. Attitude towards everything is up to us. We shape our attitude
with our mental perception of all things and the world around us. We hold the attitude of our lives.

“When we choose confrontation over calm we cage ourselves –

we always want to fight.

Let it go. Exercise the “Chan Mind”.

                                                                                                                      Shifu

Martial arts like Tai Chi and Chan Kung Fu are expressions of us. They are expressions of our Qi, of
balance of the mind/body and of our emotions. These arts give us freedom. Many movements within
Tai Chi and Kung Fu express this freedom.

We are microcosms of the universe. We are just a minute part of it. Each tiny body represents the
universe and shapes the universe. All elements we share with the earth, iron, potassium, water,
oxygen, etc. Like the earth, these elements must be in balance. There must be harmony between all the elements to achieve wellness. If you make the choice to be happy, to practice, to empower yourself everyday, there is less chance of the organism breaking down and becoming ill or diseased.

In 2003 Shifu treated a 79-year-old man who was near death. He was on breathing tubes and they
didn’t give him much hope. Shifu worked with him for three consecutive days. That man is still alive
today. He had “good senses”- the ability within; he just needed to help himself get in touch with it.

“You can’t be too busy.

You must practice and you must fill yourself with good, positive self-talk.”

                                                                                                                     Shifu

A woman brought her young son to Shifu and said, “I give you three months to train him. After that I will be gone.” She did not tell Shifu that she was sick and that that was what the doctor’s had told
her – that in three months she would die. Three months later, she died. She believed what the doctors
told her. She committed herself to it and it killed her.

Our internal and external influence is vital to how we thrive or do not. We can get rid of anything,
heal from anything if we care about changing our “mind-set”. Our ability to manage, to organize, to
stabilize must improve so that we can detoxify the body and the mind. We all have the imprint; the
wisdom is within. We must unveil that inner wisdom, openly communicate, and be free.

All of our internal organs influence each other i.e. the spleen influences the kidneys, etc. Our internal
communication influences the secretion of hormones. If that hormone production is too weak, you
have immune system problems. If it is too strong, you have problems in other ways. You must
establish equilibrium, the right amount of hormones, at the right time, in the right place. This enables
the flow of communication between the organs of the body and the mind.

When we are sad, depressed, negative, we produce a very low energy, energy of less strength. If we
feel good, happy, positive, our energy is very high, communication is better and there is healing. When we are stressed we produce high amounts of cortisone and that is very damaging to the body, especially in the long-term. When we are up and happy we produce serotonin and endorphins that raise our energy and facilitate communication between all parts of the body. Hormones regulate everything in our body. Good hormone production yields good health.

This is Yin Yang – balance. Yang is the aggressive, expressive, flamboyant energy. Yang is chronic
energy; it is low energy. It is cancer-causing energy. Yin is the subtle energy; hidden, internalized and
very, very damaging; very long lasting.

Step on the path, reveal yourself, let it go. Live happily and seek the positive. Unhappiness is infectious. It’s damage passes from generation to generation. People can change their lives, but they
can also return to their old, negative energy.

In the West we learn to pursue “instant gratification”, chasing things that are not necessarily good
things for us, but that we have learned to “want”, to desire.

“When I was in China I was fortunate to be chosen to go college. There were very few spots for Chinese students and everybody wanted them. I earned the spot, went to college, and pursued medicine in my country. Many others who did not win that opportunity committed suicide because they lost hope for their future. That college spot was all that they could see. Without it, they thought they had nothing left.

Broadening our perspective, seeing the world and ourselves at a distance can be very fulfilling. Do not limit your perspective. Do not cage yourself. Do not limit your freedom. Here, at this Retreat, you have been part of a community. You have each helped to balance one another. Everybody has a genetic imprint in this Retreat community, influencing this small, potential-powerful world in positive ways.”

Optimally we want balance and harmony within our personality, just as we strive for this in every
other aspect of our lives. These are qualities we can adjust within ourselves if we choose to. First, we
must recognize these things; what are we most like, Yin or Yang? What behaviors do we have that do
not serve us well? Where did they come from? How do we effectively focus on changing or
eliminating them?

“Achieving balance and harmony within is not easy.

You will have to work on this every day, very hard.”

                                                                                                                      Shifu

We can balance our Yin/Yang personality by pursuing activities and behaviors that fall outside our
“predicted” tendencies. If you are more Yin, you have already taken a step toward Yang by attending
the Retreat and actively participating. If you are more Yang dominant, then you might work more on
meditation and creating more “calm “ within yourself and your interactions.

IN CLOSING

“I learned a lot from each of you. You have taught me things that will improve my teaching and my ability to communicate these lessons to all my students. There are so many different personalities within our little community, and each one compliments another. You all supported one another and me, simply by attending this Qi Retreat and working hard, asking questions. For that, I thank you.”

There is nothing more to say. The experience speaks for itself. I feel so blessed to be one of his students. For that, I thank you, Shifu!
                                                                                                                   Tamra

A New Year with Shifu

Chapter 34: A New Year With Shifu

January 14, 2013

It was 10:00 am and every member of my medical team was off for the holiday, many unreachable since the week before Christmas.  But throughout the winter holidays (Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year’s), my favorite practitioner has been there for all of his patients and students.

To those readers unfamiliar with Shifu’s history, while at the Shaolin Temple he studied and practiced medicine, earning a Master’s Degree equivalent from the School of Traditional Chinese Medicine in Wuhu, Anhui, and serving as a physician in the city’s hospital for 3 years. After coming to the U.S. he furthered his education earning several degrees, among them a Master’s in Exercise Physiology.  In short, Shifu understands not just the physical mechanics of how our bodies function or don’t, but also the mind/body connection that has been proven to be so vital to healing and “miraculous” recoveries.

He is skilled in the Chinese medicine we are all familiar with, like acupuncture, acupressure, and Chinese massage techniques.  But, as a 31^st generation descendant of the historically famous Shaolin Warrior, Chan spiritual leader (Abbott), and Great Grand Master, Shi Suxi - Shifu is privy to 1500 years of wisdom handed down by the ancients, including an unparalleled knowledge of martial arts and all the things that make Tai Chi and Qi Gong such powerful healing tools.  Over his many years of teaching and practicing, he has developed his own unique form of Qi Gong which he calls “Tai Gong”.  Every Tuesday I go to the Institute for a Tai Gong lesson and Qi treatment with Shifu.  New Year’s Day was no exception.

The father of one of Shifu’s students has been battling cancer this past year (2012).  It is his second bout with the disease and it advanced rapidly to stage four.  His doctors delivered the death sentence – “there is nothing more we can do”, and sent him home very ill and drained of all hope.  It had infiltrated his bones.  He was in constant pain and no position gave him relief.  That is when his family carried him in to see Shifu.  For the past year he has been coming to Shifu for Tai Gong lessons/treatment.  I had the privilege of meeting him and his lovely wife New Year’s Day at the Institute.  He walked into the school without assistance, chatting with his wife and smiling.  He walked with a speed and lightness of step one does not associate with someone battling stage 4 cancer.  He pulled open the heavy glass door of the school for his wife, as a true gentleman does.  Then he stood in the lobby beside his wife, hands in his pockets, waiting to see Shifu.  Like me, he was there for a Tai Gong lesson and Qi treatment.

I knew instantly who he was, as I had been hearing about his remarkable progress from many people at the school.  In the short time Shifu treated him, he had gone from being unable to sit without excruciating pain, or walk or stand without assistance, to walking, standing, sitting for long periods of time, and even swimming for an hour, completely pain free.  I was looking at a man who was vital, living life fully, and who exuded the sense of calm and vibrancy of spirit “survivors” all do.  Even though I had heard about him, I was astounded to see him in such great physical and emotional shape.  I introduced myself, shook his hand, and told him what a privilege it was to meet him and his wife.  Never before has a complete stranger so intensely inspired me. 

This man knew what it was to be at death’s door, at the jumping off point.  He had spent more than his fair share of time in its shadow.  But he had the courage and strength to challenge western medicine’s assertion that there was nothing more to be done for him.  He opened his mind and body to eastern medical alternatives, ultimately defying the usual outcome of stage 4 cancer. The man whose hand I shook is a living testimonial to what Shifu and his healing art of Tai Gong can do for patients who do not quit on themselves. 

The other day I heard that he recently visited his Oncologist for his usual follow-up.  Where once the level of cancer cells circulating in his blood was over 7000, it is now 17?  He does not look like, behave like, or live like someone in cancer’s grip because, for all intent and purpose, he is not.  He is back in the land of the living.  There is no doubt in my mind that he will one day soon have no cancer cells in his bloodstream.  I admire him, respect him, and am inspired by him more than he will ever know.  He touched my life like no other stranger ever has. The man whose hand I shook epitomizes the qualities of character that go along with the journey of a true “survivor”. 

I have a couple friends who are true “survivors”.  I cherish them and honor them because they, like the man whose hand I shook on New Year’s Day, have been visibly changed by their journey. These are special people.  These are people who, in the course of navigating the depths of the darkest waters (and my friends still are), found themselves and came in touch with their authentic self-nature.  When you find such people, you know it.  They have no fear.  You hear it in their voice and their words.  You see it in their eyes, actions, and lightness of spirit. When you are in their presence, you feel it like a warm embrace.  They inspire you. Their impact on you is life-long.

To all of those who are true “survivors”, and to the man whose hand I shook on New Year’s Day at the Institute, I salute you.  You will never know how many people’s lives you have touched and affected in a positive way.  

Tuesdays With Shifu

CHAPTER 33:  Tuesdays With Shifu

December 29, 2012

It has been a while since I last journaled about my experiences on the path to enlightenment, for which I apologize to you, dear readers.  The health crisis I suffered in September continues still, with a series of consecutive, on-going respiratory bugs that morph from one culture to the next, becoming bugs I’ve never even heard of before.  Since September I have been unable to attend “regular” Shaolin classes, as my autoimmune system is “too compromised” to withstand the exposure.  For the better part of four months, all of my ‘social contact’ has been in a doctor’s office or infusion center, with one exception…my medical Tai Gong/Qi Gong sessions with Shifu. 

Once a week I go to Shaolin Institute where Shifu teaches me meditation and the healing form of Tai Chi known as Qi Gong.  As an Asian medical scholar and martial arts Master, Shifu has developed his own form of Qi Gong called Tai Gong.   He has treated many critically ill patients using Tai Gong and has a record of extraordinary success, restoring health and quality of life to those who were given a death sentence.  Like them, Tai Gong has made all the difference in the world for me.

Perhaps the most debilitating part of critical illness is the overwhelming sense of having no control.  And in the midst of this paralysis, what people need most, constructive social interaction, a sense of purpose, to feel useful; these are the first things “taken away”.  Challenges make us stronger, they teach us lessons about ourselves that we would likely never learn otherwise, but in the long-term they are exhausting.   Hope for a complete recovery is hard to hold onto, especially when improvement is so slow in coming.  The only thing slower to improve than my health, are my Tai Chi/Tai Gong skills.

One would think that with so much practice and individual attention, I must be an expert Chi’er by now?  To that I would say, “Do not underestimate my muscle amnesia.”  Three weeks ago Shifu spent an hour teaching me a Tai Gong routine, repeating it over at least three times before turning to me and saying, “Show me what you remember.”  I went from being totally relaxed to a state of hyper-panic before he had even finished saying, “remember”!   Not only was I suffering from Prednisone brain mush, but I had not paid the least bit of attention to memorizing the order of the movements because he’d never said that before and I was wholly engaged in quieting my mind and feeling the Chi.  

When I am tapering down my Prednisone dose, my brain goes through a stage of mush.  I can’t remember the simplest things.  I can’t read because I won’t remember what I read from sentence to sentence. My family tells me about conversations we’ve had that I have absolutely no recollection of.  I am unable to multi-task.  I have to write everything down in order to remember it.  I call it being “brain dead”.  This was one of those times.

 I let out a nervous giggle, while hoping Shifu would recognize the expression of horror on my face, but he didn’t; he was serious.  My son Blake tells me I’m not as bad at Tai Chi as I think I am; I just have “performance anxiety.”  Well, this time I had “performance paralysis. “  I did the opening movement and my mind was completely blank.  Shifu fed me the next move.  I performed it, but again, I was blank!   So, ever the patient Master, Shifu said, “follow me”.  To which I breathed a huge sigh of relief.  But I knew he wasn’t going to let me off that easy.  Now I was intensely focused on trying to remember each movement and it’s order within the routine, which made me even more clumsy and rigid than usual, substantiating my ability to take something beautiful, when executed properly, and turn it into an ostrich dance.

“Ok,” Shifu said, after completing the program with me, “now, show me what you remember.”  To be honest, I don’t remember how bad I actually was that time. I think I have blocked it out of my mind because I tend to do that with horrifyingly embarrassing moments.  I only remember him patiently feeding me the next movements, one after the next until, I think, he took over and I followed along? 

When that session was over I had learned a painful but valuable lesson…something is expected of me.  There will be quizzes.  There will be tests.  I will be expected to demonstrate what I have been taught.  I will be expected to progress, and if he has to, Shifu will push me up that hill like Sisyphus pushing the rock.  I knew then that it was no longer acceptable to show up for my Chi session and just follow along.  It was no longer enough to fumble my way through new routines and movements, then go home and practice something completely different, like the Tai Chi warm-up, which I could follow on DVD.  I think it was only then that I truly realized that I must meet this challenge head on, teaching my mind and body to work in tandem to dance the dance.  I made a commitment to myself before I left the studio that day that there could be no more excuses.  I committed to myself to practice, practice, practice, and practice some more.  It is only through repeated practice that a muscle memory challenged individual like myself, or a person with any kind of physical disability, can conquer it and the “performance anxiety” that comes with it. 

I have been blessed richly by the privilege of Tai Gong classes with Shifu.  If your outside social contact is ever limited, the one person you want at the top of the short list is Shifu.  I am so grateful for his dedication to my success.

DIARY OF A MAD WOMAN - WHERE LIFE'S BREATH RESIDES

Chapter 32: The Place Where “Life’s Breath” Resides

October 24, 2012

How did 23 days manage to pass since I last journaled about my enlightenment journey?  It feels like years and I only hope this chapter can bridge the gap.  I am not able to attend classes at my beloved Tai Chi school right now, as I am still battling a “drug resistant” infection in my sinus’s, making me extremely vulnerable to any germ another student might be harboring, and, maybe doesn’t even know it; maybe they will never even develop symptoms. 

Since Shifu came to my home I haven’t really been diligent about doing my Tai Chi exercises as it loses something without the comradery and studio environment.  Sounds like an excuse, doesn’t it?  I agree; it is.  Today, I am making a promise to myself and to you, my dear readers, to change that.  How can one make excuses to not do something that feels so wonderful and is such a rejuvenator?  Practicing alone, in my family room, with the wonderful Tai Chi music of Thomas Walker, and with Shifu’s DVD silently guiding me through Tai Gong exercises is, what I make it.  Today, I pledge to make it as much of a discipline as getting in my car and driving to class once was.

Two weeks ago I had a doctor’s appointment in the city, which takes me right along the route to the school.  I wasn’t feeling great, as I had just seen the ENT and had my nose and throat scoped (never fun when there is infection present), but I knew I had about an hour before the local anesthesia wore off and the real pain started.  I had to do it.  I had to do this just for me.  I exited I-85 at Pleasant Hill Road and drove to Shaolin Institute.  It didn’t matter to me who was there, or not there.  It only mattered that I go there, and I didn’t even understand why. 

I entered the school and, to my delight, the lobby was buzzing with activity.  Sarah was there; Scott was there; a new girl was training on the computer system with Sarah, and Shifu was there.  From the moment I entered the school I felt its embrace.  I know that sounds corny, but if you have a “special place” in your home or out in nature, you know what I mean.  There is no place like it and no feeling more comforting – I was home! 

I was greeted with enthusiasm and hugs, as I announced that I had to come to get my dose of “life’s breath” from the only place I knew could deliver it.  We didn’t really discuss my health and I was glad of that, other than to say that I still could not attend classes and it would probably a while before I could.  Sarah and I talked about some school projects she needed some assistance with.  I was overjoyed to hear it, as these simple writing or phone tasks make me feel useful, and like I am a contributing member of society, albeit from my bubble.

Shifu directed me to the studio saying he wanted to give me a chi treatment.  You know how certain smells ignite memories of treasured places, like your kindergarten room, the stable where you took horseback riding lessons, or your now grown child’s nursery?  Well the wonderfully, clean and wood-like aroma (coming from the hardwood floor) propelled me back in time to the day I first came into the studio. This is where life’s breath abides, but only in the presence of Shifu. The studio is filled with his chi and it lights up like 1000 fluorescent bulbs in his presence. It warms you like nothing else you’ve ever experienced.

From the moment I entered it, I felt more vital than I had in weeks.  I was worried that I wouldn’t be able to do some of the movements he wanted me to, as I was ordered by my ENT not to bend over or assume any position that would increase pressure or blood flow to my head, as the only thing that stood between me and another sinus hemorrhage was a blood clot in the posterior sinus that we were praying would hold until the hole could heal.  I did not tell Shifu this, I just decided that if it became too much for me, then I would tell him.  I was able to perform the exercises and he did a chi treatment that, for the first time all day, stopped the insane tremors and anxiety I had been experiencing from the time I woke up, due to steroid withdrawal.  When we were finished, I was so relaxed and de-stressed that all I wanted to do was go to sleep and I told Shifu that.

So my message to you, dear readers, is this: if you don’t have a place that does this for you, find one.  Explore the whole world looking for it.  Take those precious seconds, minutes, hours you say you “don’t have” and make them “just for you”.  The funny thing about the world is, when you step out of it, whether it be for a few minutes or several days, or even years, it finds a way to get along without you.  In time you will yearn for and need those “just for you” times, and that is a good thing! 

Now some of you are probably thinking, “Sure, that’s easy for you to say, you don’t have a job, you don’t have a “boss”; you don’t work outside the home.”  To an extent you are right, but I learned something most, if not all of you, haven’t (yet) and let me share that secret with you; one day you are a healthy, active, vital person, with well laid plans and goals.  Then you blink, and the next day you are fighting for your life, perhaps for the duration of it, like me.  Nobody is immune to health crises.  Critical illness does not discriminate.  And, if you wait to find that “special place”, if you wait until, “you have the time”, to take those “just for you” moments, if you continue to live your life like a hamster on a wheel, you will never be living your life. 

I am not “special”.  I am not “wise”.  I am not yet “enlightened”.  I am simply journaling my life’s experiences from the place it took me when I blinked.  No matter how challenging, make time now to live your life!

DIARY OF A MAD WOMAN 10/01/2012 Chapter 31

CHAPTER 31:  What Doesn’t Kill Ya Makes Ya Stronger

October 1^st, 2012

OK, so have ya done it yet?  You know what?  Did ya get yourself a Shifu who makes house-calls?  I’m only gonna tell ya this one more time!  If you don’t have a Shifu who makes house calls, you gotta get yourself one!  YOU NEVER KNOW when you’re gonna need him!  Not only do I have one, I have the BEST!  Ask me, I’ll send you his number because there is nothing Shifu is more devoted to than helping people, and I can attest, he’s the “genuine article”.

When I left St. Joe’s on the 22^nd I had already confirmed with Sarah that Shifu really had said he would come to my home when I got out of the hospital to help me with my chi treatments, and I was elated!  Coming out of the hospital on high dose corticosteroids and all the things that come with it, makes driving “ill-advised” (DANGEROUS really).  I’m worse than a blind granny on two-fer coupon day.  So, knowing that he would still be available to me during a time that is usually so confining and isolating, outweighed my usually obsessive apprehension about the state of my unkempt house, or the fact that I gave up my cleaning service weeks before going into the hospital in order to join Shaolin. 

I physically cannot clean my own house due to my illness. I know, “good excuse”, right?  I have tried again and again over the years, but since my disease became “critical” the bacteria or fungi growing healthy people extract from the “dirty places” in their home when they clean, well, those guys jump for joy when they see me coming and somehow, magically take up residence in my nose or respiratory tract, where they party like John Belushi in “Animal House”.  And if you knew how embarrassed and ashamed I am of being unable to maintain my home to my own cleanliness standards (and don’t say “that’s ridiculous” until you’ve walked a mile in my shoes), you would appreciate exactly how much it meant to me because for the first time in my life I was able to push all that “NOISE” into the background, and focus on what it meant to have this great man make that time for me (not to mention that I live at least 40 minutes from the Institute in “good” traffic).

On Thursday morning Sarah called me to tell me that Shifu was coming to my home for a chi visit.  I didn’t even argue because I learned from the hospital visit that Sarah knows best.  I did, however, feel compelled to tell her that I was dead, and on bed rest, so he would have to be able to do a chi treatment on a dead person, perhaps even in a prone, rigimortified  position.  She said he had worked with worse.  He arrived later that afternoon.  Now, I’m not going to tell you that I let him see my house in the condition it was in when Sarah called.  That would be a “misrepresentation”, and even if it had been “clean”, I would have run around like a chicken with its head cut off “just making sure”.  It was not clean.  I did what I felt I absolutely had to do to make sure Shifu did not stick to a table if he put his elbows on it, or, well…I think that says it all.  When he pulled into my cul-de-sac, I was quite satisfied that he would find my house abounding in chi and would love all my live plants and Asian art accents that screamed of a “Westerners” attempts at Feng Shui.

I went outside to greet him and, again, I hugged my Shifu.  I just can’t help myself; I just love that guy!  He followed me inside and I walked the 8 steps from the front door into the family room only to realize that Shifu was still within two steps of the front door, AND he looked physically sick!!!  All the radiance that always eminates from him had sucked inside of him making him look like a raisin.  For one brief moment I thought he was going to be ill.  My mind screamed, “Oh my God, I killed Shifu!”  Then, suddenly, he became what I can only describe as “Westerner anxious”, something I have never seen in this calm, serene, unruffled man

before.  He walked in a small circle toward me, in the family room, and back toward the door via the library to the left of the front door.  I asked him if something was wrong and he said, “Tamra, let’s sit down,” and he took a seat at the dining room table in the chair nearest the window.  The whole time I felt his discomfort, and I was aware of his struggle to remain focused.  His voice was very quiet, almost weak, and I could tell that he was trying to be sensitive to my feelings, while I was most concerned about the visual, visceral transformation I saw happen before my eyes within micro-seconds of entering my home.  Then he began to sneeze violently.  He said, “Tamra, you must make some serious changes here right away. This house is making you sick.  I am very sensitive to these things.  This carpet must go right away.  When you have dogs….all these things contribute to your breathing problems and autoimmune troubles.  You need hardwoods or…

“Tile,” I interrupted, “I’ve been considering tile because we are very hard on floors and hardwoods require regular maintenance that produces dust, fumes, and other airborne particulates that don’t come with tile.” 

“You must do something about this right away. You let me know if you need help with this.”

 Ok, if you read “The Worse of People” and you are now reading this, can you even believe what you are reading?  I have known this wonderful, fascinating, selfless, devoted spiritual man since June.  I have managed to attend his Tai Chi classes for all of two months - tops.  I have come to know him from a business perspective, as I volunteer my time to the school on a variety of business related school projects, but here he is, in my home, offering to help me do what is necessary immediately to make my environment less toxic for me.  Where in the West are these kinds of people?  Even among the best of us, we have “rules” about “helping” family and friends regardless of the hardship or direness of  circumstances. 

With Shifu, there are no rules when it comes to helping people; there is only need, fulfillment of need, and the humble joy he gets from having helped, and he has never made any bones about the fact that that is what he came to the United State to do… to help people better their physical and spiritual health and well-being so that they might live more fulfilling lives.  In my mind, that is what defines “humanity”.  I don’t think a lot of Westerners truly get the concept of “helping”.  We cannot simplify it the way that it truly is meant to be.  Even when we do give, very few of us can give in that oh so humble way that truly expects nothing in return, and never wants to be revealed. 

(I am so sorry, Shifu, for having revealed you in this way, and I struggled with the decision to do so for a week.  But, “DIARY” readers have to know this about you, because it is just one of the many things that define you and Shaolin philosophy and one of the many things that make you extraordinary).

 

I told Shifu that I knew the carpeting had to go, but there were other priorities that demanded our immediate attention, forcing the carpet removal and flooring replacement to have wait for a few more months.  But there was one thing I knew I could do right away, and that was to get an industrial style HEPA air purifier that would decontaminate the main living space of my home.  It had been a point of contention between my husband and me for years.  I determined then and there to end that argument tomorrow.  I knew exactly where I was buying it, and exactly which one I was going to be bringing home.

 Over a period of about 10 minutes, Shifu seemed to recover, but the vibrancy and radiance that always flows so freely from him seemed to tuck up deep inside him like a closely guarded aura, rather than radiating sunrays.  He walked through the room slowly and into the kitchen, where he chose a tiny space facing a very well lit (artificial sun-light) plant stand filled with plants and cuttings, adjacent to the kitchen window and dining table.  The space wasn’t more than 3’x 4’, but this is where he felt comfortable, and this is where he taught me Tai Gong. 

For the 25-30 minute treatment/lesson, all my anxiety and pain fell away.  I was still very sick.  I still had a plastic appliance (tampanade) in my left nostril that hurt like the dickens all of the time.  I still had black circles under my eyes that made me look eerily like “The Corpse Bride”, but I wasn’t that any more.  My energy was free of it.  I was cleansed of the shadow that followed me, relaxed, and just entirely lightened.   To grab one brief moment of relief during a period of, what seems like an endless assault, is nothing short of breathtaking; delivering nothing less than hope to a situation that constantly tries to out-shout positive attitude by screaming, “I’m a hopeless situation and I got you in my sights girl!”

Shifu told me to practice this exercise as often as possible, sitting or standing.  He said it would open the energy channels, so that the mind could channel the body’s natural healing energy to the places it knows need healing.  He told me that it would also help lower the blood pressure, which my doctors have determined is essential to ensuring this does not result in an embolism.  When Shifu left, I was so sad to see him go.  I wanted to keep him, but I also was saddened by the fact that my home (the place he traveled to in order to help me get well) had sickened him.  I will never forget that experience visually, viscerally, experientially, nor in my heart. I realized, if my house was that toxic to Shifu and his focused, ever-present, seemingly limitless chi and spirit, I now understood why it so hard for me to “chi”. 

So. Saturday I dragged my husband to the air purifier store and laid out that $900.00 for the industrial grade HEPA air purifier capable of efficiently and effectively filtering a large, open living space.  I had broken the news to him gently earlier in the day when I realized my son was not going to awaken in time to drive me there as we’d planned, but I had not prepared him for the cost , because….well, there was no preparing a man who hated spending $20.00 on a “special” furnace filter monthly for “THE COST”.  This brand of HEPA air purifier never goes on sale , so the choice of where to buy it really comes down to customer service ratings/experience.  Having bought my two HEPA vacuum’s from this store since moving to Georgia, I had a relationship with them that I was sure of and trusted in.  In fact, while he couldn’t discount the cost of the purifier, he did throw in a couple boxes of expensive vacuum bags and filters, so, I was quite happy.  I did, however, have to use a wheelbarrow to get my husband’s lower jaw off the floor where it had dropped to the ground like a toon’s when he saw the cash register say $900.00 and some odd cents..

 We came home, still suffering “sticker shock”, he put on my Rolls Royce’s wheels, plugged her in, and she purred like a kitten, absorbing all those toxins like they were yesterday’s fuzzy refrigerator left-overs gone rotten.  My husband’s still adjusting to this 2’x3’ $900.00 box of silent, air filtration wizardy and lights, that you can’t even park in the driveway and shout out, “LOOK WHAT ZOG GOT!”, but, God love him, he’s trying, and he never loses his sense of humor.

The Best of People/The Worse of People

CHAPTER 30: The Best of People/The Worse Of People

September 28^th, 2012

The Best Of People

A funny thing happened on my way to “recovery” from my recent hospitalization for a Diflucan resistant yeast infection that closed off my upper airways, landing me in the hospital for 8 days.  Two days after being discharged, sitting on my deck, writing on Facebook on this very computer, my nose blew off!  YES, that’s what I said…MY NOSE BLEW OFF!  One minute I was laughing at my own bad jokes, and then my nose was gushing blood like a fire hose and I was running for a sink, bathtub, well, anything large enough to hold it!

On my way to the sink I had the forethought to grab the telephone, as I was the only one awake in my house at 8:00am Tuesday morning (just 72 hours post-discharge from St. Joe’s Hospital), cuz I suspected I was in serious trouble, you see, this was no ordinary nose bleed.  A lot of things ran through my mind as I stood there with my head inverted in the sink, blood pouring from my nose like an open faucet.  None of them were funny so I won’t go there.  Within a minute I realized this was not going to stop and was, in fact following a dangerous pattern of gushing dark blood with every heartbeat.  I dialed 911, still with my head in the sink.  Can you believe that 911 rang at least 10 times???  Where was everyone; not "open" yet; Monday morning meetings; Mr. Coffee break?  It rang so many times without answer that I decided it was time to wake my husband.

“Kevin,” I called out C A L M L Y  from the drain (knowing how tightly he is wired and how harried I can become in an emergency).  “I kinda have an emergency here, and I would really appreciate it if you would slowly, calmly, wake up and come out here and help me.”  YES!  That is exactly what I said, and I was so proud of having kept my cool at that moment because that is so not “hysterical LUCY”.    What he saw next, I could not protect him from…he entered a "crime scene"…and he was still half asleep observing this nightmare. From the blood spattered and filled kitchen sink came a tightly clutched, still ringing, unanswered phone, “Hun, it’s 911, it’s been ringing over 10 times with no answer, I need you to tell them we need an ambulance for a really bad nose bleed."  He said, “JESUS, all that’s coming from your nose?”  Then 911 answered.

He tried to answer the operator’s questions, but the first one, "Where is the blood coming from," was the big stumper.  How does something so small (still un-largened by corticosteroids) bleed so hard and so fast?   The next thing I knew the 911 Operator was back in the sink with me.  “Pinch off your nose, honey,  just under the bridge,” she said, advice a nurse would give to any "nose bleed".   I did, and within 30 seconds I was gagging, no…drowning in blood that was pouring down my throat until I projectile…..(you can imagine the rest)….”OK, the ambulance has been dispatched, honey, they are on their way.  Try to remain calm.  Please, put your husband back on the line.”  And when I handed him the phone, I saw him die a little inside.  You see, my husband is a wonderful man, but nobody…short of Emergency Medical Personnel unrelated to the patient…could have “handled” this without panic and confusion.  Besides the grossness of the situation, was the sheer unfamiliarity of being up close and personal with that much blood.  I myself, was impressed that I was still standing when the EMT’s arrived.

The EMT’s arrived to attend “the nose bleed” as they called it into dispatch when they arrived in the kitchen.  The next words were something to this effect, “Holy crap….we’re not going to be able to stop this…we’re going to have to get her to the hospital dispatch.  From what I can see she has alsready lost at least 10cc's and that's what's still in the sink.”  YES, it really was that bad!  I think there were five of them (all fire department personnel).  I’ll be able to tell you more later when I’ve talked with my neighbors, as I was/am the talk of the neighborhood even one week later.  AND, most of my neighbors are really old, so at 53, with more scars and war wounds than stars in the Milky Way, and 4 hospitalizations AND an ambulance ride since I moved in two years ago, I'm an anomaly to them cuz they like these kind of things to talk about.  

Two EMT's seemed to be directly engaged in “triage and post-ride prep”, meaning “PACKING MY TRUNK” for the ride to the circus.  BUT, how to get it out of the sink without losing even more blood or drowning the patient in the process?  I remember ice on the Carotid and other places; I remember twisting my titanium rod’d neck in positions I didn’t know it still bent; I remember what seemed a bowling ball sized gauze roll being shoved into the left sinus, forcing all the blood to first go down the throat and eventually re-route out the right sinus, and into a lovely sherbet orange towel I was awarded by EMT Clarke.  Wahlah!  “Get her on the gurney!” and away we went!  Cul-de-sacs are great for gurney parades; 6 houses, great views from any front window.

Having the blood slow to a leaky faucet drip from the right nostril was relieving enough to restore my quipy jokes and self-deprecating humor, which my ambulance attending, Clark, really appreciated.  He came right back at me, and humor always lightens the load.  When I got into the ambulance my blood pressure was something like 291 over 99.  Within 2 blocks it had risen and he was radioing in that I was “tachycardic”, with a dangerously high blood pressure and sinus “hemorage”.  Ahhh, there it was… “hemorage” the word that said it all.  Within 2 minutes I had left the safety of my bubble, my community, and was on my way to a hospital I had never seen before, Northeast Georgia Physicians Medical Center in Gainesville.

Now, here’s the part you chi-er’s need to read!  The ride to the hospital is about 30 minutes give or take a crazy lane of ambulance blocking drivers or two.  Halfway into the ride my blood pressure was climbing and Clarke was beginning to panic.  I closed my eyes, took deep breaths, and focused on drawing all the chi of the universe from the horizon just outside the beautiful country scene beyond the back window of the ambulance.  I did that for 4 minutes or more, feeling great relaxation with each exhalation and envisioning the Koi fish that swims counterclockwise from my abdomen up and around my body, to the top of my head and back down again, before Clarke became concerned, gently touched my arm and asked, “Are you all right?”  I told him "yes," that I was meditating, and just needed a few more minutes.  He left me alone for at least another 3 and when I was finished, I turned to him and said, “Please, take it again Clarke.”  After channeling my chi my blood pressure had gone from somewhere in the stratosphere to 152/51.  Clarke was awed.  My nose was no longer dripping.  The sherbet orange towel was grateful.  We were there.  Once again, Master Shifu, I owe you a debt of gratitude!  It really, really does work!

The Worse Of People

There is no good way to write what happened next, without it sickening me all over again.  So, I have chosen to include the letter I wrote and subsequently sent to two administrators at Northeast Georgia Hospital System.  For every Yin there is a Yang and both were startling demonstrated to me in my hours of need September 25^th, 2012.  I am not a confrontational or adversarial person.  Faced with it, I flee conflict.  I wrote this letter because it had to be written.  I wrote this letter, in the hopes that this never happens to you or someone you love.

September 27, 2012

Ms. Carol Burrell, President & CEO

Northeast Georgia Health System

743 Spring Street NE
Gainesville, GA 30501

Dear Ms. Burrell:

I am a relatively new resident of Hoschton, Georgia (just outside of Winder).  In fact, I live next right next door to your Braselton Medical Center on Thompson Mill Road, a serendipitous thing, since I am critically ill with a progressive disease that is in its final steps.

I am writing you because I had a medical emergency in my home Tuesday, September 25^th, and was transported by ambulance to your prestigious hospital, of which I had heard and read many good things.  I was just released from St. Joseph’s hospital in Atlanta Saturday, September 23^rd, following an 8-day admission for a Diflucan resistant Candida infection in my sinus’s and upper respiratory tract that closed off my upper airway completely, triggering a life-threatening asthma crisis.  I tell you this, so that you will understand that I have personally experienced a lot of hospitals, their ER’s, their wards, and their ID & Respiratory personnel over the past 15 years of critical illness.

I am always concerned about coming into the ER of a “new” hospital (new to me) where I do not have a doctor or team of doctors on staff, but when you are transported by ambulance, insurance does not honor requests.  “Besides,” I thought, ”it would afford me a good opportunity to see what NGMS is like”, as I have been considering reassembling a medical team closer to home; a good thing considering my five hospitalizations in the past 16 months.

I arrived at your ER at approximately 11:00am, and was immediately triaged by the ER team.  From 11:20 to 12:00pm  I saw nobody, and inquired of the nurses who happened to pass by the door, if they could find out what was going on, as I was in need of a Prednisone dose (severe adrenal insufficiency), and I am a diabetic who had not eaten yet that day. 

By 12:15 a nurse, Lisa(??), came in and announced she would be my nurse.  I gave her a brief history, which she was polite enough to listen to…that is all.  She said that no doctor had been assigned to my care and that she would go see if she could expedite that process.  She left, and I did not see her or anyone else for another 30 minutes, until I paged the nurses for an urgent Accu-Check as I could feel that my sugars were dangerously low.  Lisa returned and found that they were, 31.  I told her I had not eaten since yesterday, 8:00pm and I am an insulin dependent diabetic.  I BEGGED her to get me my daily Prednisone dose as I am a steroid dependent asthmatic (21 years,) and I am on a Prednisone taper (having just come out of St. Joe’s for a pernicious, opportunistic infection in my upper-respiratory tract, making steroids absolutely necessary for survival), often prompting these very dangerous plummets in blood sugar for no apparent reason the minute the steroid dose drops in my system; not to mention that I was in a serious medical crisis, and have 0 adrenal function.  Lisa shot me up with 1GM of Sucrose IV, which I told here WOULD NOT BE ENOUGH for a sugar of 31 without Prednisone on board, and she left, NEVER to be seen again (not even for the usual and customary "recheck" or a “howdy do, I got you a doctor”).

In the meantime, a dynamic, young doctor, Mohak Dave’, finally came to evaluate me a short time later.  He rolled in with his young, female entourage tagging along, and never listened to a word I said.  He talked over me, talked condescendingly to me, and lied to me when he said he would call my ENT at St Joe’s for a consult (I knew from my past that NEVER happens and was simply a stalling technique).  I told him that the paramedics said I needed to tell the ER doc to keep Zofran on board, as they were blown away by the amount of blood I had swallowed and vomited in the ambulance where they administered Zofran via IV and said to make sure I got it again within 4 hours.  I told him I was steroid dependent with no adrenal function, and was now 5 hours behind in my Prednisone dose, requesting that it be administered (40mg orally or in any form he liked).  I told him that my ENT is Elizabeth Willingham, out of St. Joseph’s in Atlanta, and that she had just cauterized a bleeding wound in my left sinus the day before.  I told him about my IgG Deficiency, my port-a-cath, my IgG infusion therapy, and asked him to change the gauze jammed in the left sinus and now literally dripping every ½ second with blood into a nemesis trough because it was so over saturated that it would hold no more.  In 6 minutes or less (my husband says I’m being gracious here) he seemed to indicate “yes”, though he never said it.  Then he told me, “I’m going to call and consult with Dr. Willingham (MY ENT FROM ST. JOE’S???? whose phone number I handed to him) first.  I don’t want to remove that gauze or disturb the clot right now.”  Then he turned his back on me and disappeared.

Several minutes later, with my head spinning, wondering what bag of wind had just blown into my critical care situation, showing no compassion, NEVER looking in the nose, NEVER acknowledging the dangerously high blood pressure recorded by the Ambulance Techs, NEVER asking about my eyesight, never evaluating me physically in any way at all.  I knew I was in serious trouble.

Within 20 minutes, I was feeling sick again, and paged the nurse for an urgent Accu-Check.  I was informed that Lisa had “gone to lunch”???? (Without ever rechecking my sugars of 31 first, or asking someone else to do so?)  Luckily for me a VERY COMPETENT, COMPASSIONATE, ABOVE AND BEYOND nurse who happened to be walking by my trauma room and heard the page, came in immediately with a glucometer.  She took my sugars (37), asked if I had eaten anything (now 1:30pm), immediately got me orange juice, and then went out of her way to find something for me to eat.  I don’t know her name but she was a pretty, Asian, darker skinned young lady with glasses and long, thick black hair, who radiated calm, competence, and most of all compassion.  She checked on me several times after that, eventually returning to shoot me up with the remaining Sucrose in my IV, as she said “my nurse asked her to”.  I never did see Lisa again.

At around 2:15 I was moved out of my trauma room to the other side of the ER unit because they needed that room I was in for a “real sickie”.  Still no word, sighting or treatment from Dr. Dave’. (No Zofran, no Prednisone, still dripping gauze from the left nose, no report on any conversation with Dr. Willingham because he NEVER made the call). I asked the nurse who moved me to put a good word in with Dr. Dave’ for me.  I asked her to please let him I know I just wanted to have my nose packed so I could go home.  I am sure she did tell him that; I hope as nicely as I said it (seriously); because my whole demeanor that morning was light, funny, and compassionate toward your staff.  Ask Anybody.

At 3:00pm boxes of Rhino supplies were delivered to my room, so I knew my request had been forwarded.  At 3:30pm (my husband was in the bathroom), Dr. Dave’ blew into my room again, saying nothing.  He was now a “PISSED OFF STORM”, and I was in his wake. When he stomped into the room, I told him he was a God sent.  He did not even acknowledge me.  He salined a sinus tampanade in a trough without saying a word.  My husband returned and I mouthed, “He’s pissed off,” so he would be warned.  That did not deter my outgoing, empathetic husband from trying to strike up a conversation with nothing but sympathy for the out-of-control situation we were witnessing in the ER all day.  Dr. Dave’ did not acknowledge my husband in any way either. 

Then he did what I can only describe as “extracted his revenge” for ????? my being in his way all day?  Dr. Dave’ brutally, without words, warning, compassion, or tenderness jammed that tampanade up an already badly irritated, bloody nostril.  I flinched tight and he slowed down just long enough to put his finger on the plunger and quickly, without hesitation, plunge a great quantity of air into the tampanade so hard and fast that I SCREAMED, grabbed his hand with the plunger, and looked him in the face as if to say, “why?”  Before he could quickly move from me as he had all day, a reflex struck me; let’s call it a “God moment”.   I gently grabbed his arm and said, “God bless you.  I know you’re having a bad day and I’m sorry.”  To which he turned around, got in my face and said, “And thanks for your patience,” in a way my husband said was meant to be snide and insulting.  Then…GONE, having delivered no more than 10 minutes of ER care/attention to me over the course of 5+ hours, and pissed off that it was that much.

But Dr. Dave’ wasn’t done with me yet.  Whatever bone he had to pick with me, he wanted to make sure I remembered him, and I will always remember him.  My pain level went from 2 to 12 the moment he inflated that tampanade, yet he refused to prescribe any pain medication.  I requested a prescription for Zofran, as the Ambulance Tech had insisted I do, and he refused that one too.  I left your prestigious hospital crying, in extreme pain, and so nauseated that I nearly vomited in the parking lot.

I cried with pain all night, as the left side of my face swelled to twice it’s size overnight, such that I could not open my left eye the next morning.  I had gotten in on an emergency appointment with my ENT Wednesday morning, and she was appalled when she saw me.  You see, the tampanade is like a NIKE gym shoe.  The AMOUNT of air is easily adjusted via an external valve, to accommodate the patient’s comfort. It is meant to be a gentle pressure bandage to stop bleeding.  Mine was left so over inflated that I had a large, gumball sized air bubble protruding my left sinus that went from the bridge of my nose to the bottom of the sinus.  It was so over-inflated it had blocked the tear duct, putting incredible pressure on my left eye, top teeth, and sending nerve pain shooting into my left ear.  All night I cried from one eye, and reflected on my experience with Dr. Dave’.  I wondered if, as he lay down to sleep, he even gave me and my blessing a second thought.

My ENT released some of the air from the tampanade, prescribed Zofran, prescribed pain killers, prescribed blood pressure lowering medication, prescribed an antibiotic, prescribed a sterile sinus wash “absolutely necessary” for anybody with a sinus tampanade over an open wound with an already drug resistant infection, and left it in place because it stopped hurting as soon as someone took the time to let the pressure out. 

Ms. Burrell, I am nearing the end of my journey on this earth, losing a battle with Common Variable Immune Deficiency (IgG & IgG Subclass 1&3) and complications resulting from it.  I learned a long time ago that how I walk my journey, is so much more important than how long I have here.  So, I try every day to bring love, laughter and sunshine to my own life and to those who cross my path regardless of the circumstances. 

Corny, idealistic, “good for you”, you might think, but then you likely haven’t been where I have, at least not yet.  I have to rely on your staff when I am in an emergency situation, not only to treat me, but to do so with the same dignity, respect, and compassion that I show them, so I make sure I go out of my way to demonstrate that.  I’m asking for, and expect nothing less in return. 

I did not deserve the abuse I got at Dr. Dave’s hands, and I hope that when he tells you his side of the story you can explain why, because if you can’t than you must admit, something is seriously broken, and perhaps there is a way to fix or salvage some promising young talent before it’s too late/perhaps it already is too late.

For a day or two, I actually lost faith in humanity Ms. Burrell.  I haven’t allowed that to happen to me in a long, long time, because I KNOW that life is too short, and there are a million “life suckers” out there waiting to take.  I never expected to have to fight with one, in your hospital, in a dire moment of need.   Ms. Burrell, without hope we die; without faith, it’s hard to pick the heavy burdens back up and go on.  I’m sorry to tell you this, but your ER made it very hard.

Respectfully,

Tamra L. Skahan

 

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Faithful Readers,

 

My Shifu inquired about my health the morning after this awful experience, and I recounted bits and pieces of it in an e-mail to him.  I expressed my deep loss of faith in humanity, and my desire to crawl back into the safety of my cave and not come back out.  He sent me a beautiful, personal reply that included these words, "Tamra, this story must be told so it does not happen again to anyone."   I know I've talked about the East/West communication gap  (the size of the Grand Canyon)  that I often feel when I communicate with Shifu, but truer words were never spoken. 

 

I had already begun to draft an outline of the above letter before I wrote shifu, not knowing what I would allow it to become.  Writing it was a way to purge the demon that haunted me so.  Those words and the substance of the message he wrote me gave me the strength and courage I needed, and no longer had to draw on from within, to poke my head out of the cave, take my well deserved place among the living, and try to make a positive impact on this world as long as I walk this journey.  Thank you for walking it with me, dear friends.